Once Again, Our Most Special Guest

It's a special day here at Minions as we welcome back our favorite guest, Landru.

Landru: So...fucking...tired...

YAMM: So what brings you back as our guest today?

Landru: The fact that you're my blog. And I haven't been your guest for like eleven days now. And I'm too lazy to write you in anything but this hackneyed hackney of a formackney.

YAMM: Oh, it's not like you barged in and threatened us at gunpoint.

Landru: Of course it is. Dimwit.

YAMM: So what's stuck in your shitter, Landru?

Landru: John Edwards' haircut, Bill Clinton's cock, Sarah Gore's engagement dinner, impending unemployment, worksuck despisement and an overwhelming desire to not be employed there, the return of the pain-in-the-ass child from a blissful two weeks at Grandma's, and losing to that stink-dicked cocksucking futbol traitor Bruce Arena the other day. And bDr not being incensed enough about it and pussywhinging that we're becoming a parody of our badfan selves. That guy just makes me want to poop vomit sometimes.

YAMM: You're deeply disturbed.

Landru: And you're not? What are you, retarded?

YAMM: That's not a very nice word.

Landru: It's okay, my retarded son doesn't mind.

YAMM: You're really very cruel.

Landru: Okay, clearly, you're new here. Anything else?

YAMM: Well, sure, we were talking.

Landru: No, I was ranting. You were transcribing. It appears to be an appropriate level of relationship.

YAMM: Is there nothing good about your life?

Landru: Sure. Pork products. A lovely HD television on which I play FIFA 07 and watch actual grown men kicking actual futbols and each other. A nubile and pliant wife who keeps the pitcher full of iced tea and whom I fuck and you don't. The phantasmagorical array of links to your right. The knowledge certain that if I keep swilling sausage while smoking Camels and sitting on the couch playing FIFA, I won't have to keep worrying about politics, unemployment, DCU, and Bruce Arena's shit-cock. My seething hatred of Dook, the Cowboys, the Red Scum, the Devolution, the Yellow Football Team, the Fire, the Galaxy, the Burn, the Dynamo, and Real Salt Lake, coupled with knowing that Kansas City and Colorado are too consistently insignificant to hate, Toronto's too new to hate, and my secret inability to hate Chivas makes them no less worthy.

YAMM: Is there anything that can be done to bring you under control?

Landru: Nothing short of the Grim Reaper himself. Or perhaps Jonathan Bornstein.

YAMM: That's really sad.

Landru: You could really stand to read some Nietzsche.

YAMM: Thanks, Landru.

Landru: Fuck off. See you the next time I feel like doing some pathetic attention-seeking.

The Greying of the Panther

Kind of bDr to remember, although it appears he may be a little stressed from 25 years' lack of meat and cigarettes.

I'll dig up a different TooYoob for his this year. I'll just post it on the wrong day, is all.

Off to Richmond for a few hours to do what my in-laws say for my fucking birthday. Go figure. Worship me in the comments.

The Sainted Dead

I'd have to say that I was a fan.

I think that LBJ was a severely underrated president. The man had a hard run. He suffered mightily for a series of bad decisions that led him to cave in to the then-strong impulse to fight Commies. No one had yet disproved the Domino Theory (for some real fun, read the Wikipedia article on the same topic). Postwar babies were fueling all kinds of scary stuff like cultural upheaval and civil rights. Johnson himself was a product of smoke-filled rooms, of ticket-balancing, and of the yellow-dog era of Democratic politics.

And yet? He propelled forward his sainted predecessor's civil rights agenda, the single most important sociological development of the century, let alone the decade. He guaranteed himself a place where he could be reviled by peaceniks and racists alike.

Into all this stepped his lovely and gracious wife--an early political manifestation of the nascent environmental movement, among other things, a woman who sealed her place in the American consciousness as the person comforting a blood-soaked Jackie Kennedy on the day every boomer remembers. No one could hate Lady Bird and still face their God in the morning. It just couldn't be done.

Now, some might say that putting up with a rattlesnake-and-bunny-rabbit-dicked motherfucker like Lyndon Johnson and holding a blood-stained Bible on America's Bad Day, Part One, were funny ways for a nice old Southron lady to achieve a state of grace in the hearts of the American people. But it was a funny time. And there's no cause to hold anything against her. Rest nice, Lady Bird.

And Now For Something Completely Different

It's been an awful week. Let's do some bad German disco video. With English subtitles.

Disclaimer: Put down all food and drink. Ensure that your sinuses and other airways are clear. Do not, under any circumstances, forget to breathe while watching this video. I did, and it led directly to this post.



Eternal gratitude to Sadly, No! for the tip that led to this find.

Tony Snow: Lying Motherfucker

Welcome to the Parade of Assholes, Tony Snow, you Lying Motherfucker, Whore Prince of Lying Motherfuckers. From USA Today via TBogg:

That qualifies as a stern penalty for a first-time offender with a long history of public service.

Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker. As you know perfectly well, it qualifies within the mandatory federal sentencing guidelines that you and your Lying Motherfucking ilk like to force on others, primarily as a method of keeping the brown people down, you hypocritical sack of infected pus.

In contrast, no president in recent history has made more careful use of the pardoning power than George W. Bush: The president believes pardons and commutations should reflect a genuine determination to strengthen the rule of law and increase public faith in government.

Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker. Bush's "careful use" of the power consists of meting out as little mercy as possible. And for the record, the commutation of Libby's sentence took a giant typhoid dump on the rule of law and pissed on the public's faith in government, you maggot-eating necrotic hemorrhoid. Shut the fucking fuck up, you Lying Motherfucker.

After a highly publicized trial, involving calm legal analysis in the courtroom (but vicious vilification outside)

That a Lying Motherfucker like you has the unmitigated balls to refer to anyone's "vicious vilification" of anyone on your side is a crime for which one hopes you will stand judgement in the Hell in which you pretend to believe, and be found wanting. Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker. You are one arrogant and disdainful piece of shit to try to pass that off, in an official role, on the American people.

Many analysts cleverly avoid grappling with either of these issues, and instead try to analyze the commutation as a raw political exercise. That sort of analysis is off-base. The president was not motivated by politics in making this decision. If he had made the decision based on opinion polls, he wouldn't have lifted a finger.

It is possible that even more sad than the fact that a Lying Motherfucker like you would try to pass this malignant bile off as reason is the fact that you are genuinely so stupid and evil that you believe it to be true. Speaking of "clever," no one suggested that the President considered opinion polls, except perhaps to the extent that he wanted to know how many Americans he was pissing on in committing this crime against the rule of law and decent government. And the analysis is off-base only in the confines of your wicked and crippled lizard brain, you Lying Motherfucker. Have a nice hot steaming cup of shut the fuck up, you lying motherfucker.

Tony Snow, Lying Motherfucker, made it pretty big in the news today. He apparently railed at the Clintons' statements on the commutation in his diseased remarks to the press:

"I don't know what Arkansan is for chutzpah, but this is a gigantic case of it," presidential spokesman Tony Snow said.

Rubber and glue, you Lying Motherfucker. The foul stench of the disease that rocks you to sleep at night permeates the entire downtown of My Local Locality, and I'm tired of it. Shut the fucking fuck up.

Snow's brave, brutal, and tiny-dicked rape of a freshly constructed straw man here refers to President Clinton's last-minute pardon of the truly scummy Marc Rich. Here's the thing, Tony, you Lying Motherfucker, you facist twat: Clinton pardoned Marc Rich. If Rich had any goods on Clinton or any of Clinton's cronies, he could have been compelled to testify to that effect. By way of the commutation Scooter Fucking Libby retains his Fifth Amendment rights to keep from incriminating anyone in the Bush White House. So don't even have the balls to look an American in the eye and compare this to anything done by a Clinton, you Lying Motherfucker, you fucking traitor of a civil servant.

Shut the fucking fuck up, Tony Snow, you lying motherfucker.

This has been another edition of Shut Up, You Lying Motherfucker.

Updated to remove bloody Bloggery Bloggerfication.

Tim Noah: Lying Motherfucker

I gave up on Slate a while ago. Sure, it has Doonesbury. And the incomparable and the always-correct Dahlia Lithwick. It also has a Coulter-fucker and a pedant who pretends to know his ass from his elbow while espousing intelligent design in the middle of his formulaic ravings about the NFL (no link there--you can find it yourself).

It also has Tim Noah, Lying Motherfucker:

President Bush's commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's 30-month prison sentence will likely prompt many people with politics similar to my own to cry bloody murder.

Not unless you're lying about your politics. Which you are, although you've concealed it well until right about now.

What Bush did was just and fair. It was the right thing to do.

No, you Lying Motherfucker. It was an act of contempt for the rule of law and the law itself. No one with any claim on rationality could claim that this was just, fair, or right. You're in a tailspin, Tim.

I don't take lightly the fact that Libby lied to federal prosecutors about his role in unmasking Valerie Plame as a covert CIA employee.

Clearly, Tim, you are a Lying Motherfucker, because you do, in fact, take it lightly, as evidenced by your entire essay.

But Judge Reggie Walton went overboard in sentencing Libby to 30 months. This was about twice as long as the prison term recommended by the court's probation office, and if Libby hadn't been a high-ranking government official, there's a decent chance he would have gotten off with probation, a stiff fine, and likely disbarment.

Y'know, Tim, you Lying Motherfucker, there'd better be some material upcoming about how often judges have gone overboard in imposing cripplingly long sentences on lesser felons. Of, say, different shades than this tightass whitey bitch. Or I might start to think you don't care so much for brown people. In addition to your lies about your politics.

The voluminous pleas for leniency from Libby's A-list friends seem to have annoyed Walton, who erred on the side of severity not in spite of Libby's high position in government but because of it. Walton wanted to make an example of him.

Yes, that's part of the point of prosecuting government officials, dickweed. You're quickly closing in on babbling, you Lying Motherfucker.

What's the matter with that? Two words: Bill Clinton. No fair-minded person can deny that the previous president committed perjury about Monica Lewinsky while serving in the Oval Office. The country knew it, and it let him get away with it.

Oh. Bill Clinton's blowjob caused you to change your mind about Chappaquiddick.* Got it. Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker. One has nothing to do with the other, as you know perfectly well. One involved blowjobs. The other involved outing a covert intelligence agent, as you yourself admitted when you started penning this pack of foma. Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker.

Bush did not intervene to spare Libby further disgrace, as Ford did with the Nixon pardon, and he didn't pre-empt a prosecution that might reveal embarrassing facts about himself, as Bush's father did. He waited until it was all over, and he acted humanely.

No, Tim, you Lying Motherfucker, he didn't. He commuted the sentence well before it was over, and in a way that allowed Scooter to prevent himself from incriminating his superiors, although it is eminently plausible that those incriminateable superiors did not include Bush himself. You're really not all that bright, are you, Tim? You Lying Motherfucker?

Shut up, Tim Noah, you Lying Motherfucker.

* This phrase the intellectual property of Lawyers, Guns, and Money and used utterly without LGM's permission.

This has been another edition of Shut Up, You Lying Motherfucker.

Irony-Proof

Some other media jackass, at TNR:

The Senator's Son
I assume he'll serve at least as long as Paris Hilton.

The self-same jackass, in his very next post:

The Commutation
The way I see it, Lewis Libby was about to become a political prisoner and the president prevented that.

The way I see it, you're a liar with no capacity for rational thought. Leaving aside your defense of treason, your claim that a man who perjured himself in a national security investigation concerning the leak of an intelligence officer's covert status--and don't even think about lying and telling your readers that it was anything else--could be a "political prisoner" invalidates any claim you might have had to an intellect.

Shut up, you fucking traitor.

This has been another edition of Shut Up, You Lying Motherfucker.

Opinionation in Defense of Treason

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

My greatest cultural accomplishment ever. Scroll down to the letters.

Take THAT, published author friend!