See what I did there? That's what it means. It means what it says. Capische?
Some people love me enough to batter through that. Others don't, and they're free to love as they please. Some people tolerate having to batter through it because...well, beats the fuck out of me. Some very few deserve explanations. It may or not be because they lack the capacity to batter through the walls of language. It is for them that I create this Minions glossary, though the unwashed and undeserving tiny legions of strangers who pass through these gates may also derive benefit.
Things I Might Be Talking About When I'm Speaking Offhandedly:
Any unreferenced news story current as of the date of the post
Fucktards (Politics, Life, Culture) (I know that this word is an unhappy one for some folks. I'm not one of them. Neither is Bam.)
Maryland Terrapins (College Sports)
Washington Capitals (NHL Hockey)
Washington, DC (Geography)
Washington Redskins (NFL Football)
What Words Mean:
Ba'al: Deterministic nickname for an indeterminate deity. Avatar for my magical thinking. And, like everything, a Star Trek allusion.
Bam-Bam: My younger stepson, aged
BDR: See BFF.
Best Kid Evar: Planet, daughter of BFF. First Kid of the Landruverse.
BFF: My best friend from high school, known in the ether as Blackdogred (BDR or bDr), proprietor of a thusly named blog linked in the "Friends" section. His chosen nick is derived from a long-ago and faraway insult, his DC United fandom, and another old nickname that I bestowed based on his endless spewing of variants of multiple and incessantly shifting dogma(s). If "Him" is unreferenced with an antecedent, we're probably talking about BFF.
Brak brak brak: You're talking a lot but you're not saying anything. Derived from a previous writing avocation involving logorrhea and reality television.
Bunnies: Representation of all that is good and pure.
Burchie: Mark Burch, lamentedly late of DC United. Beloved because of one fine summer evening in 2008, immortalized here. (No longer relevant, but immortal.)
Crown Princes: My twin nephews, born to 32-Ounce and Sil. Formerly number one with a bullet on the Grandparent Hit Parade.
Databoy: My older stepson, aged
Davey: Local sports TV broadcaster and usual DCU play-by-play guy Dave Johnson.
Doctor Death: See Whispers. Reference to his full nickname, Whisper of Death. It's ironic, dumbass.
Festival: My birthday. What are you, stupid?
Football: American football.
Fucktard: Anyone, possibly even you. Possibly even me.
Fullback: A friend bloggity, linked in the blogroll under "Sausage," though he could just as easily go under "Friends."
Gamara: My second wife. Ilse's my third. Yeah, I'm that dead fuckin' sexy, and I'm that big of a fuckin' dick.
Gophershole: The town in Montgomery County in which I grew up. It's non-Cockney non-rhyming slang.
Goth: Beloved, former blogger, current English teacher, At a Catholic girls' school (from which I am banned) in a flyover state. Husband to Psyche. Cubs fan.
Hamster Hamlet: Beloved friend through various incarnations (in fact, through every incarnation) of my adult life. In one Venn junction with BFF and another with William Wallace and yet another (similar to but distinct from WW's) with Gamara. Art lover. Food lover. Music lover. Fellow Terp.
Hans: An actual local politician who actually talks to me personally from time to time, mostly because he's been hanging around too many people who live humor-free lives. A little scrutiny of the blogroll should get you through this one.
Ilse: My wife. She's a high school English teacher, as are several sometime inhabitants of the Landruverse.
Jesus and Jesusina: My in-laws.
JoeB: Joe Beninati, Comcast hockey play-by-play guy. Famous for truly wretchedly flamboyant Italian suits with wide lapels.
John the Daftist: My father. The only non-public person referred to in this blog by his actual first name, mostly because it's impossible to think of him as anyone but "John."
Jolene: Former blog proprietress, Boston person, attorney, beloved.
Kimmah: Another member of an old Landruverse crew; another English teacher; another parent of an ASD kid.
Locker: Craig Laughlin, former Capital and Comcast hockey color guy. Waaaaaay Canadian.
Lucretia: My stepmother, who is in her own way my favorite parent, and certainly the only one about whom I don't have anything snarky to say.
MoCo: Montgomery County, where I live and work. The blogroll will likely give you a clue as to which Montgomery County it is.
Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It's Raining: A thing that many fucktards do.
Phunions: Philadelphia's entry in MLS. The name is the intellectual property of BFF.
Planet: Best Kid Evar, BFF's daughter, First Kid of the Landruverse.
The Plex: The Maryland Soccerplex in Germantown, Maryland.
Psyche: Wife of Goth. The only mental health professional to whom I will speak, ever. I thought she had a limited sense of humor until, shortly after our first meeting, she looked at me and said, completely deadpan, something to the effect of, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" A Landruverse favorite ever since.
Purple: Another best friend, formerly a blog proprietor. Falsely named (see "Pee On My Leg..." during an interstitial time when he was pretending to be a moderate, mostly for purposes of semantic torture.
Rafa Benitez: Former Liverpool (and Internazionale) futbol coach. When he has the right facial hair, a dead ringer for me, a look aided by the fact that he is exactly 87 days older than me. Seriously, it's scary. A drunk in a semi-Irish New York futbol bar walked up to me one Sunday morning believing that I was actually Rafa.
RFK: A stadium in Washington, DC.
Saint Benny: Ben Olsen, coach of DC United, former midfielder, number 14; heart of a lion.
Sasha: Close friend and blog proprietor ("Friends" section). AKA Rosa Luxemburg. AKA Toots. If "Her" is unreferenced with an antecedent and the context doesn't sound like I'm talking about my wife, we're probably talking about Sasha. (Sasha, forever beloved, passed away in April 2016.)
Save the World: A nonprofit where I used to work as a consultant, back at the beginning of this blog, one of several interrelated places where I worked on a big public health project that I'm not at liberty to name, because I really don't want people to know my real-life identity, which is utterly separate from the things said here and the way they're said, and needs to remain that way so as not to compromise my ability to feed Ilse and Bam-Bam and Databoy, as if he'd eat, the anorexic little princess. Since things said here have nothing to do with how I conduct myself professionally, it's fair.
Seatsix: BFF's brother. Ilse's Seatthree. I'm Seatfour. BFF is Seatfive. The section is 232. You'll figure out the row. You're a smart cookie that way.
She-Nurse of the SS: My mother, the ruination of nurse porn forevermore.
Sil: My sister-in-law. Married to my brother, 32-Ounce.
32-Ounce: My younger brother, my only sibling. The nickname involves illness and the volume of a beer can, and you don't want to know any more. Father of the Crown Princes, the children who will carry on the family name.
Timmy Tourettes: Tim Howard, US Mens National Team (soccer) goalkeeper. If I'm ever in a bench-clearing brawl, I want Timmy on my side.
Wheezus: Maximally beloved friend and highly successful author. Accessible to your right, like many named here. Buy her fucking books or I will hunt you down like a fucking dog and give the Jehovahs Witnesses your address.
Whispers: Close friend and confidante, blog proprietor, fan of New England sporting entities but beloved anyway, and crack mathematician. AKA Doctor Death.
William Wallace: Known in comments as ColinsDaddy. Unrepentantly Bawlmoron, unrepentantly Scottish, and therefore not crap.
YFWP: Your Fucking Washington Post, the local paper of record that puts the lie to the myth of the liberal media for anyone with more brain cells than the average turd.