Wednesday, December 01, 2004

A Minions Glossary

I know that I use language oddly. I don't care. It says what I want it to say. You might believe that's not very nice of me. You're welcome to believe that, and you're welcome to not click to this blog because of it. My life will not be unenriched by that. Which is not to say that it will be enriched by it.

See what I did there? That's what it means. It means what it says. Capische?

Some people love me enough to batter through that. Others don't, and they're free to love as they please. Some people tolerate having to batter through it because...well, beats the fuck out of me. Some very few deserve explanations. It may or not be because they lack the capacity to batter through the walls of language. It is for them that I create this Minions glossary, though the unwashed and undeserving tiny legions of strangers who pass through these gates may also derive benefit.

Things I Might Be Talking About When I'm Speaking Offhandedly:

Any unreferenced news story current as of the date of the post
DC United (MLS Soccer)
Fucktards (Politics, Life, Culture)
Maryland Terrapins (College Sports)
Washington Capitals (NHL Hockey)
Washington, DC (Geography)
Washington Redskins (NFL Football)

What Words Mean:
Ba'al: Deterministic nickname for an indeterminate deity. Avatar for my magical thinking. And, like everything, a Star Trek allusion.

Bam-Bam: My younger stepson, aged 11 (at this writing in 2012), a denizen of the autism disorders spectrum, given to banging on things. And shouting. Please trust that he also has many far more pleasant habits, a winning disposition, and a magnetism that drives the ladies wild.

BDR: See BFF.

Best Kid Evar: Planet, daughter of BFF. First Kid of the Landruverse.

BFF: My best friend from high school, known in the ether as Blackdogred (BDR or bDr), proprietor of a thusly named blog linked in the "Friends" section. His chosen nick is derived from a long-ago and faraway insult, his DC United fandom, and another old nickname that I bestowed based on his endless spewing of variants of multiple and incessantly shift dogma(s). If "Him" is unreferenced with an antecedent, we're probably talking about BFF.

Bowtie:  Former DCU coach and former Comcast color guy Thomas Rongen, noted for inflicting his peculiar brand of Dutch/German accent on our fair language, in an altogether entertaining way. He's goooooood.

Brak brak brak:  You're talking a lot but you're not saying anything. Derived from a previous writing avocation involving logorrhea and reality television.

Bunnies: Representation of all that is good and pure.

Burchie: Mark Burch, lamentedly late of DC United. Beloved because of one fine summer evening in 2008, immortalized here.


Crown Princes: My twin nephews, born to 32-Ounce and Sil. Formerly number one with a bullet on the Grandparent Hit Parade. Now so loathsome, entitled, and self-centered that my parents seem to prefer my stepkids.

Databoy: My older stepson, aged 13 (at this writing in 2012). Nickname derived from the Star Trek: TNG character. It's ironic.

Davey:  Local sports TV broadcaster and usual DCU play-by-play guy Dave Johnson.

Doctor Death: See Whispers. Reference to his full nickname, Whisper of Death. It's ironic, dumbass.

Festival: My birthday. What are you, stupid?

Football: American football.

Footy: Futbol.

Fucktard: Anyone, possibly even you. Possibly even me.

Fullback:  A friend bloggity, linked in the blogroll under "Sausage," though he could just as easily go under "Friends."

Futbol: Soccer.

Gamara: My second wife. Ilse's my third. Yeah, I'm that dead fuckin' sexy, and I'm that big of a fuckin' dick.

Gazette: Local newspaper of record in MoCo.

Gophershole: The town in Montgomery County in which I grew up. It's non-Cockney non-rhyming slang.

Goth:  Beloved, former blogger, current English teacher, At a Catholic girls' school (from which I am banned) in a flyover state. Husband to Psyche. Cubs fan.

Hamster Hamlet: Beloved friend through various incarnations (in fact, through every incarnation) of my adult life. In one Venn junction with BFF and another with William Wallace and yet another (similar to but distinct from WW's) with Gamara. Art lover. Food lover. Music lover. Fellow Terp.

Hans: An actual local politician who actually talks to me personally from time to time, mostly because he's been hanging around too many people who live humor-free lives. A little scrutiny of the blogroll should get you through this one.

Ilse: My wife. She's a high school English teacher, as are several sometime inhabitants of the Landruverse.

Jesus and Jesusina:  My in-laws.

JoeB:  Joe Beninati, Comcast hockey play-by-play guy. Famous for truly wretchedly flamboyant Italian suits with wide lapels.

John the Daftist:  My father. The only non-public person referred to in this blog by his actual first name, mostly because it's impossible to think of him as anyone but "John."

Jolene: Former blog proprietress, Boston person, attorney, beloved.

Kimmah:  Another member of an old Landruverse crew; another English teacher; another parent of an ASD kid.

Lime-Green Fucktard Baristas: The Seattle Sounders (MLS Soccer).

Locker: Craig Laughlin, former Capital and Comcast hockey color guy. Waaaaaay Canadian.

Lucretia: My stepmother, who is in her own way my favorite parent, and certainly the only one about whom I don't have anything snarky to say.

MoCo: Montgomery County, where I live and work. The blogroll will likely give you a clue as to which Montgomery County it is.

Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It's Raining: A thing that many fucktards do.

Phunions: Philadelphia's entry in MLS. The name is the intellectual property of BFF.

Planet: Best Kid Evar, BFF's daughter, First Kid of the Landruverse.

The Plex: The Maryland Soccerplex in Germantown, Maryland.

Psyche: Wife of Goth. The only mental health professional to whom I will speak, ever. I thought she had a limited sense of humor until, shortly after our first meeting, she looked at me and said, completely deadpan,  something to the effect of, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" A Landruverse favorite ever since.

Purple: Another best friend, formerly a blog proprietor. Falsely named  (see "Pee On My Leg..." during an interstitial time when he was pretending to be a moderate, mostly for purposes of semantic torture.

Rafa Benitez: Former Liverpool (and Internazionale) futbol coach. When he has the right facial hair, a dead ringer for me, a look aided by the fact that he is exactly 87 days older than me. Seriously, it's scary. A drunk in a semi-Irish New York futbol bar walked up to me one Sunday morning believing that I was actually Rafa.

RedScum:  New York's entry in MLS. Hard to hate, since they recently (as of this writing) traded us Dwayne DeRosario, the most awesome human being in MLS, for Dax McCarty, a pathetic and ineffectual ginger midget (AKA Ginger Ninja, but not referenced as such herein because...well, because I hate the little ginger fuck).

RFK: A stadium in Washington, DC.

Saint Benny: Ben Olsen, coach of DC United, former midfielder, number 14; heart of a lion.


Sasha: Close friend and blog proprietor ("Friends" section). AKA Rosa Luxemburg. AKA Toots. If "Her" is unreferenced with an antecedent and the context doesn't sound like I'm talking about my wife, we're probably talking about Sasha.

Save the World:  A nonprofit where I used to work as a consultant, back at the beginning of this blog, one of several interrelated places where I worked on a big public health project that I'm not at liberty to name, because I really don't want people to know my real-life identity, which is utterly separate from the things said here and the way they're said, and needs to remain that way so as not to compromise my ability to feed Ilse and Bam-Bam and Databoy, as if he'd eat, the anorexic little princess. Since things said here have nothing to do with how I conduct myself professionally, it's fair.

Seatnine: Three seats over from Seatsix. He has no name, but I'd probably trust him with my rent check. Seats seven and eight are almost invariably empty as long as David Beckham isn't in the hoose.

Seatsix: BFF's brother. Ilse's Seatthree. I'm Seatfour. BFF is Seatfive. The section is 232. You'll figure out the row. You're a smart cookie that way.

She-Nurse of the SS: My mother, the ruination of nurse porn forevermore.

Sil: My sister-in-law. Married to my brother, 32-Ounce.

32-Ounce: My younger brother, my only sibling. The nickname involves illness and the volume of a beer can, and you don't want to know any more. Father of the Crown Princes, the children who will carry on the family name.

Timmy Tourettes: Tim Howard, US Mens National Team (soccer) goalkeeper. If I'm ever in a bench-clearing brawl, I want Timmy on my side.

Tino: Santino Quaranta, unlamentedly late of DC United. Formerly discommodated, though I can't find the original reference. Discommodation revoked upon the revelation that he was a drug addict when he committed the sins that crossed our arms and turned our backs. Tino's highest praise in this blog: "...congratulations to him for being no worse than my fourth or fifth most hated player on my own fucking club." Another famous Tino quote: "bDr's brother asked me a pertinent question when he wondered if, should Tino break Jay Heaps in half, spit on the body, and wipe his ass on a Duke t-shirt in front of 25,000 fans, I'd get around to forgiving."

Tracy Chapman: Former DCU player Joseph Ngwenya, a dead ringer for the singer. Thoroughly unlamented.

Wheezus: Maximally beloved friend and highly successful author. Accessible to your right, like many named here. Buy her fucking books or I will hunt you down like a fucking dog and give the Jehovahs Witnesses your address.

Whispers:  Close friend and confidante, blog proprietor, fan of New England sporting entities but beloved anyway, and crack mathematician. AKA Doctor Death.

William Wallace: Known in comments as ColinsDaddy. Unrepentantly Bawlmoron, unrepentantly Scottish, and therefore not crap.

Yellow Football Team: Columbus Crew (MLS), because of the color of their jammies.

YFWP: Your Fucking Washington Post, the local paper of record that puts the lie to the myth of the liberal media for anyone with more brain cells than the average turd.

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