But Now That I Think On It...

Alexander Hamilton was the most important of the founding fathers of our great nation. Thomas Jefferson was a fucking pussy, not unlike Phil Rivers. In fact, I'm going to say that Thomas Jefferson was the Phil Rivers of his time.

Thomas Jefferson was a slave-fucking asshole. Phil Rivers is a cheerleader-fucking asshole, and is cheerleaderdom all that far removed from slavery? Besides, Phil Rivers would fuck slaves, if there were any.

Alexander Hamilton, by contrast, was a member of the New York Manumission Society. While his behavior was not entirely aboveboard (evidence conflicts as to whether he held household slaves, and it is possible--again, evidence conflicts--that he was involved in slave trading, a legitimate business of the time), if one views him through the filter of moral relativism that is necessary to properly appreciate the figures of the time, he may as well have been Al Sharpton.

Thomas Jefferson was a France-loving Communist. Phil Rivers is a Marty Schottenheimer-loving fascist. I fail to see a distinction.

Alexander Hamilton, by contrast, was a veritable Royalist. While he was a little too close to George Washington for my taste, he at least had the good sense to deduce that government was too important to be left to the vagaries of democracy, a principle soundly borne out in the last two presidential elections.

Thomas Jefferson was not a Yankee. This is the nicest thing I can say about him. Phil Rivers is also not a Yankee.

Neither was Alexander Hamilton. Technically. He was born on the island of Nevis in the West Indies, and hence of even more Southron origin than either the French-loving Jefferson or the abject failure Rivers.

Thomas Jefferson fucked slaves and never told anybody about it. Phil Rivers failed to beat the Maryland Terrapins in four attempts and has not, to my knowledge, publicly admitted that, because of this, he is forevermore a tainted pussy.

Alexander Hamilton nailed some dude's wife, paid him to keep nailing her after he found out about it, and publicly admitted the adultery when the fucker tried to blackmail him with allegations of corruption. While there are no pictures available of Maria Reynolds (the whore/adultress), I can only assume that, since Hamilton was 34 and she was 23, she was as babelicious as it got back then. A 10-year age difference is certainly just about perfect (until I'm a few more years into cootdom, at least), and I can think of no better testament to Mister Hamilton's giant clanging balls.

So, Ilse? Do please remember to update your Fucking Smartass Calendar of Morbid Weepiness. While once a year is not often enough for me to extol the virtues of this Great American, it may have to do.

And happy belated birthday, Zander, greatest of American political heroes, personal inspiration, sometime alter-ego, and brother in cradle-robbing.

Fuck Jefferson. Punkass bitch.