1. You are not Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. As is by now well-documented, God is BFFs with both Fuckface and Dreamboat. Neither minds being two-timed. I mean, c'mon, God is your BFF, what do you care about who else She hangs with?
2. You are the Seattle Seahawks, who God allowed into the playoffs for the sole purpose of exposing Tony Romo as the useless earflap he is.
3. You are Marty Schottenheimer. Do I really need to explain this?
4. You are the Philadelphia Eagles, and you have been struck down by Her Mighty Righteousness as a demonstration of all which is just and correct.
5. You are the Baltimore Ravens, and you are a felon dressed as a beatnik, coached by an ego carefully sculpted from feces.
6. While you are Rex Grossman and you are a douchebag, you were necessary for one more week because somebody had to do in the Seahawks.
7. You are Clemson, and the injustice of you remaining undefeated in basketball in January was so glaring that your ass had to be whipped by something as pathetic as the Maryland Terrapins to demonstrate to you the error of your ways.
8. You are the Maryland Terrapins, and that was one of your five conference victories this season, all of which will come unexpectedly, while you hork bile on your shoes against nonentities. At home.
9. You have chosen to closely align your personal being with one of the above examples of justice in the universe.
10. You have chosen to align your personal being against Fuckface or Dreamboat. Again. It's just not worthwhile to fuck with God's BFFs.
6 days ago