Tuesday, January 23, 2007

You Are My Dickens

So Ilse left her job at Eat The World, Inc. This is a good thing; the commute was driving her bonkers, and she was considerably underappreciated anyway. I mean, I assume the sex was as good for them as it is for me. Ilse has chosen to embark on a new career in poisoning the minds of America's young.

This requires a little bit of an educational realignment, because the topic in which Ilse would like to direct her poisoning is high school English. Ilse's postsecondary education thus far has focused entirely on alcohol, anatomy, and to a lesser extent, American history. So while she has been admitted to a graduate degree program that will certify her in mind-poisoning, it is with the stipulation that she take a little extra course work in literatoor.

We have a good friend, Goth (who seems to be getting a lot of linkage/play here lately), who is the world's greatest high school English teacher. He is brilliant and funny, and engages teenagers (girls in plaid skirts, no less) with his innovative antics, such as dressing up as Biggie Smalls and rapping The Canterbury Tales or interpreting Romeo and Juliet in South Florida in the 1990s with Leo DiCaprio and some random whore as the leads. No, wait, somebody else did that second thing. But they stole the concept from Goth.

So Ilse's drive to succeed is multi-sourced. She's always wanted to teach, and our good friend is an outstanding role model for the kind of teacher everyone should be. But there's this literatoor thing to hurdle, first.

And "hurdle" isn't too far from what this course is inducing for poor Ilse. I see stacked on the table before me a partial sample of what she is to endure over the coming semester. It involves romantic poets and people named Heathcliff and Emma. And windswept moors. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eat Miss Havisham, bitch!

I love my wife, I really do. And I am not a horrible little man, as she will have you believe (after reading this). But weeks and weeks of Rex-torture followed by this?

Life is schweet.

12 comments:

ilse said...

American history? Try classical/medieval history. America wasn't even a twinkle in Vespucci's eye, sort of fing. My education in American history has essentially consisted of being married to you.

I have one good thing to say about Dickens: He's not Hemingway. I'm CLEPing out of taking more American Literature. Can't stand these people.

Wait, I'm going into teaching this shit WHY?

Anonymous said...

I beg to differ. No, Dickens isn't Hemingway. And they both Suck Big Rocks. But at least, comparatively, Hemingway is short. He wins.

And why is a really really good question. God I loathe Dickens. I even struggled through Little Dorrit one century. *ptooey*

Poor Ilse.

Kimmah said...

I loathe Dickens and Hemingway, too. Tale of Two Cities in my 9th grade book and I attempted to teach it once. In 1996. That was a painful lesson, but I shall spread the word wherever I go....DO NOT TEACH THE DICKENS! The only play I've fallen asleep during as a chaperone was the same Tale of Two Cities. Again, lesson learned.

I'm totally psyched that Ilse will be joining our ranks. It's a great gig when you get lucky enough to find the right school. If you're in the mood to go south, I know just the place....
oh, and my poor publik skool students are going on a pilgrimage tomorrow and solving a puzzle about Lollards. Top THAT, Goth ;-)

kl said...

Ugh! I hate Dickens! I bought The Crimson Petal and the White on clearance and it was comparative to Dickens. I thought I would kill myself before I finished the horrible, horrible book.


And, for the record, I hate Melville also. I was forced to read Moby Dick four times throughout school and that was four times too many.

Landru said...

Fortunately for the Squeakinator, Melville, his Dick, and all of the ensuing sperm are profoundly American.

And for our in-depth knowledge of Melville's sperm and how to right reel gud, bDr and I say tnx 4evAR, Dave Sampselle!

gothmog said...

Well, I'll go against the crowd and admit that I like Dickens. But I'll grant that I have odd tastes.

kl said...

Give me your address, Goth, and this evil book is yours! LOL

Swami said...

I love Dickens! Particularly Great Expectations, Oliver Twist and A Tale of Two Cities. I still can't read the last page of Tale without crying.

The Old Man and the Sea is pure brilliance.

bad dreck revisited said...

The trouble w/Hemingway is not Hemingway, it's all the people imitating Hemingway.

I'm talking about you, Raymond Carver. You're craptacular cubed. Hemingway combined with dishonest rural chic. Sucks farts.

Anonymous said...

Literature?! Who the hell would want to study literature?!?!?!

Hamster Hamlet said...

Hey, count me in as down with Charlie D. "Bleak House" rawks! But then I like to rap Chaucer, too....

J. D. T. Saul said...

This was me. I signed in when I posted it don't know why it posted as anonymous.


Literature?! Who the hell would want to study literature?!?!?!


Irony is a bit more effective when the source is not anonymous.