Pregame Show

I have previously opined muchly about football. It is time to come to a conclusion.

While Rex Grossman is a testosterone-drenched cum cannon dressed in a Bears uniform, spraying footballs all over the Orange Bowl (or wherever they're playing this game) to sublimate his need to inseminate everything in America, and the Bears are despicable sons of bitches, their defense led by a steroid-crazed bag of herpes who actually stuck his dick in Paris Hilton, the Colts are far worse. Peyton Manning is a closeted homosexual Republican party supporter, and Tony Dungy hates fags. There is no doubt about the outcome of righteousness here; God wants the Bears to win.

But God doesn't have time to influence the outcome of the Super Bowl (beyond maybe dumping a few gallons of rain on South Florida, demonstrating that, like many bettors, God took the points). God is, like the rest of us, busy eating greasy appetizers and cursing CBS' coverage of the game.

The simple fact is that the Bears still haven't played anybody. When they've played teams that approach being somebody, they've squeaked by. Victories over Seattle and the Aints to get to this here game are simply not all that compelling. The Colts, on the other hand, have managed victories over the best teams in the league during their march to the big day. While the game should, by rights, be close and low-scoring, even my stark disgust with Manning would not prevent me from picking him over the Cumblaster in a close game for all the marbles.

Of course, I'm rooting for the Bears; we've covered that. And the only game outcome that would surprise me would be the Bears blowing out the Colts. But I think it most likely that the Colts are going to win tonight.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some deep-fried cheese sticks.