Friday, April 27, 2007

Self-Indulgence Roundup

Good morning. This is your morning self-indulgence roundup from YAMM. Our special guest this morning, as it is every morning, is a self-indulgence expert. Landru, take your hand off of your wee-wee and say hello to the nice people.

Landru: Fuck each and every one of you, several of you repeatedly.

YAMM: It seems you're always in a foul mood when we do these interviews. Why is that?

Landru: Because every ten days or so, I wake up and realize that three or four hundred posts into this blogging enterprise, I still haven't done anything interesting. And because fuck you, that's why.

YAMM: Care to discuss recent top headlines?

Landru: What's there to say? The right wing is still impossibly fucktarded, some of them to the point where no one can be that stupid and pure, genuine evil becomes their only possible motivation. I mean, people don't go to Oberlin and Berkeley and come out that fucking stupid. It just doesn't happen.

YAMM: Holy shit, you just violated the no-Malkin rule.

Landru: This was too egregious to pass on.

YAMM: But think of the children!

Landru: I do. I was at Databoy's soccer practice yesterday, and one of the kids in his little group is another third-grader who looks for all the world like the offspring of Our Lady of the Concentration Camps. He's a quiet little guy, with this ferocious determination thing happening, and he kicks hell out of the ball and fearlessly wades up to streaking Latino children with soccer balls genetically grafted to their feet and stops them in their tracks. He's a really impressive little kid. Except he looks exactly like you'd expect the offspring of OLCC to look.

YAMM: Zounds! So did you meet his mother?

Landru: Someone who appeared to be his mother picked him up afterward. It wasn't OLCC. But if it was, I'd still show that child all the coaching love in the world. More than I give Databoy, in fact, since Databoy is still mostly into prancing around like My Little Pony. But that's another problem set.

YAMM: What else is on your mind?

Landru: I would like to retract the comment I made several weeks ago about all downcounty Starbucks being operated by sullen lesbian baristas. The one in the middle of the restaurant district of Bethesda is actually operated by moron baristas, and I want to apologize to sullen lesbians everywhere for maligning them by association.

YAMM: Forsooth! That's pretty manful of you.

Landru: Of course it is.

YAMM: Is it true that Your Local State has forsaken the Electoral College?

Landru: Yes. My Local Governor has thus far proven to be a near-complete dipshit. And as I feared, some of the tree-hugging dirt-worshippers elected to our state legislative bodies are equally hopeless. This measure is a waste of fucking time, a possible abrogation of the Constitution, and a witless reaction to My Political Party's inability to cheat as well as the other side. The Electoral College is the law. It is the electoral game--and make no mistake about it, elections are treated, with impunity, as games by those who should know better. On both sides.

I'm edging over into an other-side rant here, but this state has been taken over by Green fucking pussies who need to stop the nannystate bullshit and focus on adequately funding important stuff like education (that's the two most populous counties in the state that My Local Governor, a Baltimoron, got the legislature to fuck over) and transportation priorities (idiots who want to disconnect the Purple Line, effectively the Beltway Loop of the Metro system, from the actual Metro system, are too stupid to be allowed to breathe--in fact, I call on you, my legions of minions, to go out and smother them with feather pillows made with feathers plucked from actual, pissed-off, now-featherless birds. And don't wash the feathers, these dumbasses need to learn that animals don't smell very good.

So these fuckwits want to focus on telling me I can't smoke in the car when my kid is in it, and other nannyshite. They incarnate all of the reasons why Greens are too fucking stupid to govern. They are undergoing an active process of handing our state back to rightwing fucktards. Maryland isn't as blue as people like to think it is. Fuck you, Purple.

YAMM: Aren't you abusing this (purloined) interview format as a platform for launching screeds?

Landru: Of course I am.

YAMM: Well, I feel soiled.

Landru: Fuck you. We went through this already. And you should feel soiled, you're a dirty, dirty bitch.

YAMM: Why do you lash out at Purple? He's a decent enough fellow.

Landru: Because everything is his fault, and he's a serious threat to steal my cult followers.

YAMM: Shouldn't you be loading the children onto their unsafe school buses and heading off to your more-or-less daily beating at the hands of Save the World, Inc., a Not-For-Profit Corporation?

Landru: Yes.

YAMM: Thank you for joining us.

Landru: Fuck you. This format is a pain in the hinder. Go away.

2 comments:

Purplestate said...

How ironical -- I was just thinking yesterday that I needed to start my own blog.

That might be critical mass, right there.

But thanks for the Shoutout anywayz, and if you don't stop fvucking smoking while your children are in the car, I will personally smother you with the featherless birds themselves, fvck the featherpillows, as my two sibs and I grew up in a 1976 VW bug with black leather seats, no AC, and two smoking parents. No jury -- well, no jury in MARYLAND, so I would have to show some caution as to where I launched the unholy fury of featherless (and possibly avian-flu carrying) geese -- NO JURY would convict me!

and the password for the day is

nkyoyanc

don't tell me those things are random. They ain't.

Kimmah said...

I love you.