Suffering Fools Gladly

Those of you who know me well understand that I'm an extremely tolerant person. I am open to all manner of opinions, no matter how mind-numbingly stupid they may be when they spew forth from My Local Newsmaster Radio Station, a beacon of Liberal Media Bias owned and operated by Mormons.

For instance, today, when bloviating jackass Cal Thomas tried to tell me that the Supreme Court's recent "atrocious" decision relating to the "Secular Religion" of global warming was a blessing in disguise because it will somehow (in a way understood only by Cal Thomas, I think, because no one with a functioning brain could understand his reasoning) help to fight terrorists, I just smiled and drove my SUV into a fully loaded gasoline tanker, flicking my lit cigarette into the resulting 8,000-gallon puddle of high-test. Wasn't that tolerant of me?

In recent days, as self-loathing fascist whore Michelle Malkin has banged the drum for her newly formed I Am Adolf Doe campaign, encouraging all of us to rat out anyone a few shades darker than ourselves for, uhm, being a few shades darker than ourselves, in the interest of fighting imaginary terrorists (there's that very odd word again--I must contemplate the possibility of a connection!), I just brought her a fruit basket and hauled her garbage can full of soiled Depends out to the porch for her, because I'm a tolerant good neighbor that way. Of course, it was a shame when the lit cigarette I flicked into the can set off a huge toxic cloud of burning Malkin shit, but I just knocked on the door to let her know it was on fire, and went about my altruistic routine. Wasn't that tolerant of me?

And when some of the same Republicans who jetted off to Syria to suck Hafez Assad's dick started shitting on Nancy Pelosi for doing exactly the same thing, I just smiled and mowed them down with the WWII surplus MG42 I keep in My Local Bell Tower. Wasn't that tolerant of me?

When My Local President tried to tell me that my side was irresponsible for trying to end a fruitless and costly war that he lied to initiate, I just smiled drank a big old cup of Starbucks coffee and let me tell you, I really enjoyed the dump I took shortly thereafter. Coffee just does that to me, y'know? And I can't think of any better way to show my tolerance for My Local President than by taking a gigantic dump.

See why I just don't have time to blog politics any more? I'm just way too busy promoting tolerance. Have a blissful day. Me? I'm off to Starbucks.