Friday, May 11, 2007

Special Guest

We have a special guest here on Minions today. Welcome, Landru.

Landru: Fuck you. This interview format is getting really tired.

YAMM: It never gets old for us.

Landru: Sigh. I've already done the meta joke. Just get on with it.

YAMM: Firedoglake wants to tell you how to become a rich famous super mayamayablogger.

Landru: Firedoglake wants to do some self-congratulatory wanking.

YAMM: No, no, they're trying to help build the online progressive movement.

Landru: Ki yi yi. The online progressive movement is a pack of crunchy fucknuts screaming at each other, when they're not busy screaming at the other side. And you yourself, YAMM, and me myself are but a tiny bit of willing windsmear on the underwear of that alleged phenomenon, I mean like molecules of it, not even enough to stink. And really? Super mayamayabloggers are just bigger, and in the case of everyone at FDL but TRex, stinkier stains. People who truly haven't made up their minds aren't reading this shit. And if they're reading it, they're just thinking whatever the last blogger told them, whether it's Gun Counter Gomer or a fucking hippie retard like the guy who runs MyDD.

YAMM: Harsh words for your fellow man, there, Landru.

Landru: Fuck 'em. People are people, WTF you gonna do? And new media are just media. They're slicing up the same pie as the old media, and while the selectivity offered by participatory media such as BlowTube is appealling to a lot of people, most of those are already Internet-savvy. The masses are still watching the television, despite the degree to which the Web has penetrated our culture.

YAMM: So what brought all this on? You're so angry when we talk to you this way.

Landru: In-laws on final approach. Wrong side of the bed. CPAP machine is probably good for me, and it certainly lets my beloved wife sleep better since I'm not gasping and snorting like a dying swine, but I hate the thing. No matter how determinedly we wank, they're still lying fascist crooks. Even those who are, in theory, supposed to be on our side. And as a side note, let me just express my feeling that, even though I am essentially an atheist, I sincerely hope that fascist-enabling cockwhore Lanny Davis has himself a nice long roast in Hell. I love my children, no, really, I love my children, dammit. And best of all, best friend has taken on a melancholy oddness, and I'd hate to leave that uncompeted with. Fucker.

YAMM: Okay, seriously, have you considered antidepressants?

Landru: They constipate me.

YAMM: It sounds like you're a mess.

Landru: I am nancy, hear me roar. Look, I'm fine, I made choices, choices have consequences, end of story.

YAMM: You're never going to do what Firedoglake wants if you keep up this self-indulgent whinging.

Landru: Fuck you. I don't want to do what Firedoglake wants. This is a vanity blog, pure and simple. It is a way of shouting to my friends that, even though I'm too fucking busy to be a human being any more, and part of that is self-imposed and part of it is because I'm dysfunctional and part of it is just fucking because, I'm still here and I still love them and I still sometimes have something to say that will make them snort coffee through their noses. Or not. So fuck off with the what other people want bullshit. This blog is a self-indulgence, and sometimes it's a reachout, and sometimes it's a reacharound, and other times it's just a granfalloon. Okay?

YAMM: Always a pleasure, Landru.

Landru: Oh, for fuck's sake, go do something useful, would you?


Sasha said...

I'm so glad I know that you are not a hater.

Sasha said...

And? I've been meaning to thank that friend for a book recommendation he didn't know he made (The People's Act of Love) but I'm too lazy to click and write over there. So thanks for the space.

Also the word is shenf.

Landru said...

I do concede the possibility that those who don't know me might conclude that I have taken a hard right turn and very badly need to be up against the wall, motherfucker.

But for those of you who don't know me? Fuck you. Go read FDL, or MyDDcup, or MaryScott's Left Earlobe, or the incredible fascist fuckitude of participatory masturbatory anarchy that Kos has become, or any of the other zillion utterly humorless deadly serious hippie blogtards, and wank to the beat of the patchouli. I'll still sleep, albeit not comfortably, with that fucking Darth Vader mask strapped to my nose, and I'll still vote the way anyone with a brain cell ought. And you? Will have yourself a nice wank, I hope, and I certainly wouldn't ever begrudge anyone that.

Landru said...

Oh...I'm sorry, I forgot to add: