President Bush today signed into law a provision prohibiting bridge collapses such as the one in Minneapolis last week. The law was passed as a rider to an amendment funding The Troops for next Thursday, August 9. "We just couldn't face the political consequences of hating the troops yet again," said Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Connectilieberman).
The President launched an impassioned defense of the provision in his remarks accompanying the signing. "America is under threat from these terrist river crossings," stammered the President. "This legislation gives the government the power it needs to bomb bridges that conspire to buckle and collapse as a means of carrying out their terrist agenda. They threaten everything we hold dear, including fetuses and nucular families. We will never cave in to their aggression, and will not allow them to hate us for the things that make us great."
The new law gives the President the power to wiretap bridges to determine whether they plan to collapse, to incarcerate rogue bridges for interrogation without criminal charges, and to invade Iowa. Leading Congressional figures were highly supportive. Senator Joseph Lieberman (Self-Mars) exulted, "The President's cock tastes very good. I think I'll have another helping of it." Vice-President Dick Cheney, asked for comment, looked a television reporter in the eye and said, "Go fuck yourself."
No bridges have collapsed since the President signed the legislation this afternoon; media analysts called this a clear showing that the President's policy was an unqualified success and suggested that the powers of the executive branch be further broadened. Respected pundit David Broder said that "peoples' use of language that I find unpleasant clearly militates in favor of giving the President unlimited power." Thomas Friedman of the New York Times was willing to waive his usual six-month waiting period; "The President's cock tastes very good. I think I'll have another helping of it," he wrote.
Terrorist news network Al Jazeera posted a video purportedly made by Osama bin Laden mocking the measure. "Even the bridges will cry jihad against your evil ways," said an unidentified narrator of the video, who could not be positively identified as bin Laden. Intelligence analysts were working to establish the validity of the report.
Presumptive President-Elect Fred Thompson was supportive. "The President's cock tastes very good. I think I'll have another helping of it," he rumbled before feeling up his pneumatic and bubbly wife for the cameras.
6 days ago