Monday, September 17, 2007

Hallooooooo

Yeah, yeah. I don't blog, I don't phone, I don't email. The Earth's rotation appears to be unaffected. You still, in all likelihood, ate dinner last night. It's even possible that, since you last gazed upon these works and despaired, you got laid. Woot.

Bullets:

-bDr is mining old Star Trek pics and can't stop. An intervention is scheduled.

-The New England Patriots are cheater cheater fofeaters. NBC spent four fucking hours last night justifying Coach Hobo's decision to spectacularly and remorselessly cheat by showing carefully constructed footage of legal football espionage. Let me do the math for you, Whispers and Jolene: everything your little "football team" has ever "done" constituted the "fruits" of cheating. The two of you have personally made Jesus cry, a thing which both of you, for different reasons, do with stunning regularity (and come to think on it, it's past time I introduced you two crazy kids--Whispers, that's Jolene, she's a scorching hot Boston lawyer chick transplanted to a convertible in Southern Cali; Jolene, that's Whispers, a sexy math geek who speaks three languages and lives on two continents. Jolene's only flaw is that she's just too fucking brilliant. Whispers' only flaw is that he once failed to bet on the Patriots to win the Super Bowl at 150-1 even though he knew perfectly well that they were cheating. You both commit unnatural acts with Boston sports teams. Have at it.).

-In other sports news, the US Womens National Futbol Team is in China. They need your support, even though their overall hotness level dropped staggeringly when Mia Hamm allowed herself to be penetrated by Nomah Gahciapahhah. Get up on Tuesday in time to provide it as they play Nigeria in their last group stage game, having stomped a bunch of hot Swedish girls, some perfectly ordinary Swedish girls, and some downright mannish Swedish girls into the Chinese earth, and having shamed themselves by allowing dirty Red Commie Koreans to tie them. This is important. bDr agrees, although he's just in it because he wants to splash Abby Wambaugh's bones. To each his own.

-Have I mentioned that the Patriots cheated?

-My Terps suck. Look it up yourself. Factually incorrect Terp-bashing here, which is a shame, because the facts speak for themselves.

-The Patriots are cheaters.

-Shh. DC United has been playing well.

-Bill Belichick is an unindicted felon.

-Politics: Just shut up. You're making me very, very tired. Every word written about politics right now saps my will to live. Seriously. Every time someone writes about Petraeus or the Justice Department or the Small Business Administration or right-wing fucktards, God kills a kitten, and every time God kills a kitten, a little part of me dies inside.

-All Boston sports teams are blights upon decency and upon humanity itself. And their best defense is that they're not the Yankees. Fie on you, I say! Ka-plah!

-How am I? Tired. Really, really fucking tired. And put upon. And tired. Really, really fucking tired.

This has been another edition of Death by Free Association.

11 comments:

whispers said...

I'm just not getting it. Did my favorite hooded coach (and fellow Wesleyan alum) do something wrong?

Yes, he broke the rules, but did he do something wrong????

No!

Let's prove this by induction. Take the base case. Suppose Eric the Man-child was holding up big cardboard signs saying "Blitz five men and use man coverage"! Would it then be wrong to act on this information? Hell, no! So the problem is that the Jets made some attempt at using a code, but failed. And the Pats are punished?

And let's face it, the NFL rule is so wacky that the Pats are not being punished for cheating, but for how they cheated. If they had simply used binoculars and a pad and pen, then no rule would have been violated. Let me make this clear:

Stealing signals is not against the rules!

Now that we all realize this, we see that the rule broken was making a videotape.

Next question: is it illegal to use videotapes during a game? Again, no!

Is it illegal to use tapes of the previous week's games to try to figure out the other teams signals? Well, no, and, indeed, the Dolphins did exactly that last year against the Pats and bragged about it!

So, here is the sliver that all the outrage is based upon: it's not that signals were stolen or that the Pats were using video to steal signals, it's that the Pats had the gall to use their own cameraman!

So, as long as people are feigning outrage, let's make it exactly clear what the underlying offense is. It's using your own cameraman to steal signals.

Gosh, I am overwhelmed by the immorality of this! Hopefully next week, the Pats will either use the league-sanctioned videotapes to steal signals like everybody else does or they will simply use binoculars and an autistic savant with photographic memory.

That'll make for a much more dignified game!

p.s. Get over the tuck rule while you're at it.

Sasha, of course said...

Chinese Man Dies From 3-Day Gaming Binge

BEIJING (AP) — A man in southern China appears to have died of exhaustion after a three-day Internet gaming binge, state media said Monday.

The 30-year-old man fainted at a cybercafe in the city of Guangzhou on Saturday afternoon after he ha been playing games online for three days, the Beijing News reported.

Paramedics tried to revive him but failed and he was declared dead at the cafe, it said. The paper said that he may have died from exhaustion brought on by too many hours on the Internet.

The report did not say what the man, whose name was not given, was playing.

The report said that about 100 other Web surfers "left the cafe in fear after witnessing the man's death."

China has 140 million Internet users, second only to the United States. It is one of the world's biggest markets for online games, with tens of millions of players, many of whom hunker down for hours in front of PCs in public Internet cafes.

Several cities have clinics to treat what psychiatrists have dubbed "Internet addiction" in users, many of them children and teenagers, who play online games or surf the Web for days at a time.

whispers said...

Oh - a new OOTS is up.

"What's eating you, son? Oh that's right. Vultures!"

Bwa-hah-hah-hah-hah!

Sasha's back said...

Seems that BDDrew has put out a hit on Tom Brady's knees. Twenty buck. Cash money.

"This is not a joke. If you successfully take out Brady’s knees, I will really send you a $20 bill. American. Not counterfeit. Lest you think $20 isn’t a lot of money, consider what you can buy with $20:

-Many peanuts
-Bottle of Popov
-Blowjob (inner city)
-1/10th of a blowjob (suburbs)
-Top shelf KSK merchandise
-Two Cosi sandwiches
-Two months of Netflix
-Multiple discount rack DVD’s of fine films like “Jack the Bear”, “The Avengers”, and “A Fine Mess”
-100% syrup Squishie"

Landru said...

Landru: "Look, Dr. Death, it's a girl! And she likes the Pats and the Sawx and everything!

Dr. Death: "You were mean to Coach Homelessguy! I unleash a streak of Easstterrbrookkiann logic upon you!"

Landru: "Dood. Girl."

Dr. Death: "Don't blitz on third and long! Don't punt past your own forty! Cheerleader pics!"

Landru: "Sigh."

whispers said...

Hi Gurl. Since Landru says we have so much in common, howzabout we meet for lunch?

Oh, you live in California and I'm in France? Well, I'm sure that won't be a problem, in spite of the awkwardness of this entire post by his Brimstoneness.

(Dood - I have just got to be me.)

kyngsladye said...

I have an internet addiction. But I can stop any time I want.

Jolene said...

1. I will say this: maybe the Patriots broke some rule. Maybe even knowingly so. HOWEVER. Actual advantage gained? Negligible, I'd bet. ALSO. I'd stake my life on the fact that there's no way they're the only team doing this. They just had the bad luck to be caught because of the juvenile feud between Belichick and Mangini. So I do think it's rather unfair that they're the only one getting reamed right now. Well, reamed by the powers that be, I mean. On the field, NOT SO MUCH. Since they're no longer, ahem, bending th rules, explain that, mister big man, won't you? That's what I thought. Moving on.

2. Hello there, whispers. Now it makes more sense how you ended up in my comments. And yes, the whole other-side-of-the-world thing is somewhat of a practical issue, I would think. Although, France you say? I am one of those crazy America-haters who actually enjoys France. Quite a lot, in fact. Hmmm.

TechNoir said...

Oh Jolene? I've met Whispers irl and he didn't drool.

Jolene said...

That's promising. I do generally find drooling to be a turn-off.

gothmog said...

Now you tell us.