United We Fap

Well, excitement's building over United's opener on Saturday, and I must say I'm looking forward to returning home to our rat pit and seeing BFF, who I'm not entirely sure I've seen since the last time we left the wretched but homey dump¹, despite our highway-paving good intentions and our unconditional love and all that. I've no faith that this year will come out better than last year; management went out and nailed some new leather on our well-worn soles, but didn't install the heel lifts it promised², though of course we're excited about the golem Charlie Davies, and I myself am excited about Tino Quaranta, now that management has seen fit to pick up and retain players equally or more loathsome.

But it's our rat pit, and we're happy there. We'll always have tradition, the strength, the core, the first last and always of our proud franchise.

Wait a minute. What?

“When you talk about guys like Ben Olsen stepping off the field and really the last player was Jaime [Moreno], kind of that older generation player that was here during the successful part of the club history. Those guys have now crossed the line and moved on so it is new in that sense.”

Dave Kasper

“I have talked about that. To me this is a new chapter. We need to turn the page and focus on creating our own new history of this club.”

Ben Olsen

Hmm. Past is prologue, huh? Out with the bad air, in with the good? New era sorta fing? Right. I'll buy in. So, my new ginger³ captain Dax McCarty, and my new bionic Charlie Davies, along with a bunch of other new guys I've never heard of, are going to bring me more hardware? Despite every indication that this is just more of the same old shit from moneygrubbing assholes? Despite the rock of our tradition, Saint Benny Fucking Olsen, saying pretty explicitly in the above-quoth article that he'll settle for the playoffs?

Sure. Whatevs. I'll give them until the end of April before I go all BFFlyptic on their asses. And you won't hear me screaming for Benny's head--that'll be more of a pity thing. Rock on, lameass beloved futbol club.


¹ United's Web site refers to these qualities as "iconic."
² This is a joke about Ben Olsen and Dax McCarty being short. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
³ While I am quite certain that Dax is a loathsome piece of shit, I cannot yet verify whether he is a daywalker. Opinions welcome.