As I write this, the second half is starting. But here on TV, we're just starting.
United: Willis, Woolard, Jakovic, McDonald, Kitchen, Pontius, Quaranta, Simms, Najar, Wolff, Brettschneider
KC: Nielsen, Sinovic, Cesar, Besler, Myers, Zusi, Bravo, Espinoza, Sapong, Bunbury, Kamara
I have no idea why DeRosario isn't playing...let's see...he's resting, but in the 18, unlike punkass bitch Charlie Davies, who isn't even dressed.
Your referee is Alex Prus. The first yellow card will come in the 63rd minute, after the game's sixth broken leg. He is, as the idiom goes here, a loosely woven sack of dysenteric monkey shit.
United is wearing the red pajamas. I refuse to puke so BFF doesn't have to (he is, at this writing, somewhere in Pennsylvania, on the way home, and I'm not going to text him while he's driving the fucking Pennsylvania Turnpike).
1': Willis forced to save on Kamara, one of the most entertaining guys in MLS. Hey, look, Alex Fucking Prus was running that game too. Fucker.
2': Willis watches as CJ Sapong sails it over the bar. What a promising start, laying back and letting KC's top three pepper the goal.
3' and 4': Slightly violent fouls by KC.
5': Violent foul by KC against Andy Najar. Bowtie suggests in his keys to the game that DCU needs to play the counter against KC's possession game. Good luck with that.
7': Kei Kamara is eating Woolard's lunch, which isn't hard.
9': CJ Sapong appears to be a punkass bitch.
11': Jeebus, we've got to be the worst possession team since...since...well, since possession was invented.
13': Jakovic commits a filthy violent foul against...someone who isn't Sapong or Kamara or Hispanic. I dunno, it's fucking Kansas City, you want me to be paying attention to this shit? Prus keeps his hands out of his pockets. He shouldn't have.
15': Najar dispossesses Omar Bravo in the box without fouling, cheating, or resorting to hurling all 14 pounds of his incredibly tiny body into Bravo. Who is, by the way, a punkass bitch.
16': I want a Teal Bunbury.
16': Chance Myers, who is a fairy princess badly in need of a haircut, lays in some lovely service to Kamara, who misses with his head, over the bar. Myers is really a fucking sissy punk.
18': Comcast (or whoever's producing the video) can't stop closing up on Myers. He's gotta be part of the All-Sissy team, with Beckerman and Brek Shea also holding down key spots.
19': Violent foul on us. I think it was Woolard...no card...oh, Jeebus, what a strike. Jakovic totally passes out on the play after the restart and lets Kei Kamara drill it by Willis from the 18, after some nice service by Bravo and a little pinball. Well-deserved goal, 1-0 KC. We're gonna get smoked, if KC gets up 3-0 by halftime--as looks likely--I'm going to bed.
21': McDonald punks Bunbury, unkindly. Alex Prus has nothing in his pockets.
22': 50-yard backpass after a throw-in 20 yards into the attacking zone. Jeebus, we suck.
23': By the way, with the name change, KC has changed to Carolina Blue home kit. I've never bothered hating them, because they've never really been worth it, but they're a much better team than they've usually been, and the fucking Carolina Blue could tilt me over into some evil headspace when it comes to them.
24': Simms backpasses. Q backpasses. KC gains possession. Willis has to come out to the 18 to clean up while Kamara charges him. Jeebus, we suck.
25': Bunbury gets destroyed near midfield, Prus plays a silly advantage, we profit. Prus follows the possession change with a really dumb and undeserved foul call against KC.
27': Jakovic commits a professional foul on Bunbury, who goes down. Prus thinks Bunbury dived. Bowtie agrees. I am not all that convinced that a last-man hip-check is something you let go.
28': Chance Myers shoots from distance, earning himself many more seconds of camera time. Someone should dress him up in a pinafore.
29': Another problem with the red kit is that it's low-contract-from distance on TV, it's very difficult to make out our guys' numbers. It's also not a HD feed. Christ, what a whiner. Any poor people out there reading this? Please just fucking ignore me.
30': I really have never liked Chance Myers, and the flowing golden locks are really just pissing me off way out of proportion to anything related to reality. Won't it be an awesome day when he and Shea and Beckerman are all playing for USMNT and I have to blog it? I'll be totally off the hook, yo.
32': Bunbury is totally pwn3ng Jakovic. There will be yellow; I hope for Bunbury's sake (and the sake of future USMNTs, because Bunbury should definitely be in that mix) it comes before Jakovic breaks his bones.
34': Decent service by Q into the box; Wolff almost plays it decently, but he's not really in position.
35': Jakovic turns it over, gets bailed out by a sketchy offside call (at least it looked sketchy at full speed--no replay).
36': Kitchen pushes Sapong down while obstructing him, Sapong punches him in the nuts. Prus gives him a yellow card...for a medium-grade foul in the run of play thus far, and receiving a nutpunch. He deserved it for the foul; Sapong deserved one for the retaliation. Prus is a fucking moron. No, wait...he's a loosely woven sack of dysenteric monkey shit.
37': Willis almost gets lobbed by someone's head.
38': Y'know, if we keep this ridiculous shit together with gum and shoestring, and somehow escape with a point on a gack goal, I'd be really really pissed if I were anyone but me.
40': Either Q or Pontius--I can't tell which because of the crappy picture, and Bowtie and Davey are doing a crappy job (they're in the studio in Bethesda)--drills it at the far post, Jimmy Nielsen makes an awesome one-hand save. Nielsen has a lovely shiner from getting hit in the face with a bobblehead a few nights ago. Really.
41': Nice clearance by Kitchen while backtracking with Kamara hot on his heels.
42': Sapong dances nicely, but what looked like decent service wobbled out and let us clear. Meanwhile, Bowtie and Davey suck off NBC, which is taking over national coverage of MLS next season.
43': Najar carries it out and convinces the AR--who's on top of the play--that it was off some poor KC sap.
45': Hey, look, Josh Wolff sucks. One minute of stoppage.
45'+: Kitchen misses Wolff in the box. Nielsen takes his time with the goal kick. I would too. This is bullshit. Bravo and Bunbury turn a 2-on-1 into a 2-on-4 and gack away what looked, briefly, like a sure nutpunch of a goal.
Shit. Only 1-0. Y'know, I could just flip over to MLSNet and find out what happened and fake the rest. Backpass, backpass, Prus should've booked Jakovic or McDonald or both, Kei Kamara gacks a sitter, Bunbury breaks free on the right and pwns Woolard for one goal, Bravo serves it to himself and uncorks a 22-yard screamer into the upper right postage stamp, 3-0 KC. You'd never know the fucking difference. Unless we filthed out some more defense, with Kitchen moving to the middle after Jakovic's red card for ripping CJ Sapong's testicles out by the roots, and scraping out a 1-1 draw after Najar accidentally bounces it off of substitute Dwayne DeRosario's facial hair.
Guess I'll stay up.
Y'know, I just haven't seen that fucking VW commercial with the kid in the Darth Vader costume enough. Please show it again. In fact, strap me into a chair facing forward, tape my eyeballs open, and show it on a continuous loop. Oh, wait, that's what you're doing already.
Okay, what to do? Should someone--Brettschneider, who's not awful but isn't getting any service, or Wollf, who has reverted to suckage--come out for DeRosario right away? Get Simms' backpassing ass outta there for Steve King? Wait, did Bowtie just suggest Tracey Fucking Chapman? Jeebus. Die, Bowtie.
Yep. Here's DeRosario. Perhaps someone will be kind enough to tell me who's out? Yeah, Brettschneider.
46': Bowtie still wants fucking Ngwenya to come in. This is why Bowtie is unemployed from a coaching perspective.
46': Simms should've been booked for trying to break Espinoza's ankle...no, Jeebus, he fucking kicked him in the thigh and the nuts. Alex Prus is fucking awful.
47': Another nice free kick by Graham Zusi. Cleared, but Bunbury gets fouled on the way out.
48': Sinovic tripped by Najar in the box. No call. I think that's actually okay, but it was sloppy shit by Najar.
49': Prus whistles Q for standing still while Sapong jumps all over him to get at a header. Bullshit. Nice break by Kamara on the restart results in a corner kick off Woolard, who desperately backheels it over the goal line.
50': Wolff can't handle an easy distribution from Willis. Throw-in for KC.
51': Prus lets Pontius have a 20-yard runup on a throw-in. What a fucking tool.
52': Artless backpassing almost yields a turnover to Kamara. Sapong destroys Kitchen going up for a header, gets called for it this time. Simms backpasses to Najar, near-turnover, another near-turnover by Woolard, DeRosario grazes the crossbar after some more clown college possession.
53': I apologize to clowns.
53': Matt Besler jumps all over Josh Wolff trying for a header. Dood. He's a midget, you don't have to go over his back for air balls.
54': Q takes a well-deserved yellow for taking down Cesar from behind with a figure 4 leglock.
55': DeRosario twists out of danger and serves to Wolff, who lets it go because he's 4 yards offside.
56': Bunbury gacks a sitter after Jakovic gets turned and Woolard can't keep up. Actually, on replay, Jakovic got a foot on it.
57': Bravo gacks the ensuing possession after a ball falls to his feet after DeRosario left him unmarked. Good thing they suck too.
58': Again with the Bravo loose in the box shit. Jakovic near-fouls him for the save, corner results in jack shite.
59': Zusi makes Willis save on another 18-yard screamer. This shit has to stop, or we're conceding again for sure. The last five minutes have been totally fucking desperate.
61': Pontius loses a wrestling match with the sissy Chance Myers by fouling the shit out of him. Way to go, Party Boy. That was so dirty I thought, from distance, you were Q.
62': Fucked up a chance there. Q provided a decent ball, DeRosario got hung up in his own giant clanging balls. Bowtie bitches about the team's fussy precision. I have no idea what the fuck he thinks he's talking about.
64': OMFG, now they've got DeRosario backpassing stupid.
65': Be still my heart! Marc Burch for Josh Wolff! What the fuck? Oh, okay, Burchie's playing left mid again, I think Pontius is going up top.
66': For my part, I'm thrilled that the camera is now focusing obsessively on Marc Burch, instead of on the transgendered Chance Myers.
67': Jesus, Perry Kitchen gets spectacularly knocked the fuck down a lot.
69': Najar nutmegs Sinovic on the right wing, ends up with a corner. Too much pinball on the serve in.
70': Brandon McDonald does his Q imitation by skying one into the next ballpark over.
71': Pontius pwns someone, nice theft, Q actually keeps one down from 20 yards, but Nielsen gets to it.
72': Woolard pushes Kamara down from behind in the box on a long throw-in by Besler. No call, goal kick DC.
73': Some guy named Diop in for Bunbury. He's not the famous Diop. Whoever the fuck that is. Sorry, I'd have to look it up. I wanna say Papadou Diop, or something like that? It's not like I know anything about Euroball.
74': Wow. KC backpasses competently, shutting down play and holding possession, without endangering themselves. How refreshing.
75': Davey points out that KC only has 3 shots on goal. That's fucking remarkable, since possession has to be close to 60-40 in KC's favor. I can't believe we're only a goal down here.
76': Espinoza almost pwns Jakovic. Again. Hard tackle. No call. Corner. I can't believe we're only down one goal.
77': Jesus, you can't be shit for possession and shit in possession. Fucking total waste of possession, time and again. And backpassing? Now? They're not fucking chasing you when you backpass into your own half, dipshits. They don't have to.
78': Nice service by Pontius for Najar, who gets a poor touch. Fizzle.
80': Lovely service by Zusi on a free kick, nearly hits Kamara in the head.
80': Oh, shitfuck, Ngwenya for Woolard, Burch back to left back, Ngwenya up top with DeRosario. Abandon hope. Christ Ngwenya sucks.
81': Davey feels like there's a goal in this game. I do too, but I think it's KC who will get it. The remarkably pretty but poorly made up Chance Myers gacks a breakaway. I've seen uglier girls bury that, Chance.
83': Jesus, Ngwenya can't even foul people right. DeRosario had to actually make contact with Sapong, because Tracey Chapman couldn't fucking kick a guy in the ankle from 11 inches away. Asshole.
84': Oh, we've gone to the Q looking to the heavens after fucking up closeup. We're toast.
85': Diop dives over McDonald, no contact, Prus calls the foul. Diop's a punk.
86': Sapong makes Willis save. Willis really looks good, I'm glad his back got better. Who the fuck knows how long Hamid will be hammied?
87': Jesus H Tittyfucking Christ on a Wobblyass Splintered Crutch, DeRosario, why are you dropping back in possession? I tell you, it's a fucking contagion, Tommy Fucking Soehn left some goddamn backpassing anthrax in the fucking RFK showers and they haven't disinfected it yet. Fucking hopeless.
88': Y'know, it's really about time you got your fucking random bounce to pull out an undeserved draw, boys.
89': Oh, the utterly loathsome Michael Harrington comes in for Omar Bravo. Wretched. I mean, what a serious megadick.
89': Three minutes of stoppage.
90': Pontius casually dribbles into the box and lets himself be dispossessed, though he did manage to win a corner.
91': In case you're wondering, we still haven't scored from a corner this year. Fucking wastes of space.
92': Kitchen wins a goal kick off of the loathsome Harrington, but the team wastes the ensuing possession.
Full time: What a suckjob.
That's that. Really poor effort. United is pissing away their games in hand in the playoff race.