DCU 3-2 FC Yellow

Hey! Did you know the land grant university of the state of Maryland has a football team? It's true! And because their coach is a third-rate bully and a rinky-dink moron who isn't qualified to coach in Pop Warner, it lost its homecoming game today to the same school that never beat us when Phil Rivers was its 4-year starting quarterback!

Hey! Did you know the land grant university of the state of Maryland has a futbol team? It's true! And they've won a whole shitload of games, including one against the land grant university of two states south, last night! In fact, they're ranked number one, and they're undefeated so far!

Hey! Did you know I'm a fucking moron? That's because I deleted two hours of sequential texts to BFF, sent during the course of the game, in effect live blogging the agony and the ecstasy, and I can't recover them!

Which is a shame, because there would be a lot to say if I could remember any of it, but I can't. Here's what I remember:

Edwin Jurisevic is a referee for MLS. He is a dope. One might not infer this from the card count; I think Columbus (FC Yellow) had four, and we had none. All of FCY's cards, and at least two more, were deserved, as would have been two DCU penalty kicks (one when Pontius was tripped at the 18 while carrying the ball, early--the first act of a game-long theme of Pontius getting mugged, unavenged; another when Neal was thugged down near the bottom left side of the box while carrying the ball, sometime in the range of the 80th minute). The fuckface Jairo Arrieta should've gotten a second yellow for mugging Pontius sometime between the 75th and 85th minutes. On the other side, and not to the dope's credit, he missed two clear opportunities to book DCU players, and one of them could, in some universes, have been a red to Andy Najar, who is a compact little sack of sporadically directed aggression and teen angst.

But enough about that, because what almost caused the stoppage-time loss that I documentably predicted in the 85th or 86th minute was DCU's persistent failure to make anything of possession. The box score says Columbus won possession 52.9%-47.1%. I find that really, really hard to believe. I said to Ilse on the drive home that I swore it was close to 60-40 in DCU's favor. It seemed like we were in possession a lot, with the usual concomitant missed shots, easy giveaways, and resulting stupid fouls. And the backpassing remains insane.

Backpassing makes sense under two circumstances, one of them involving immediate danger of a turnover. The other is when, as you advance the ball, the defense is too packed in for you to sensibly continue the advance. You backpass and hold enough to draw the defense out to apply pressure. Then, you break, and attack--quickly. It's that last bit that has eluded DCU teams, dozens of times a game, for the last 5 seasons. It makes no sense to backpass and then restart the advance at a pace that lets the other team catch up and repack the defense (and let's not even discuss the countless episodes of inept backpassing followed by stupid turnovers and goooooollllls). None. I screamed at Tommy Soehn about it, I screamed at Curt Onalfo about it, and it's only fair that I say this: Goddammit, Saint Benny, you stupid motherfucker, stop fucking coaching them to backpass and then build slow. What the fucking fuck is wrong with you, other than that you learned this fucking repulsive horseshit from Soehn and Onalfo? Didn't Saint Piotr learn you better? Can't you fucking stand there, far closer to this abomination in the sight of the futbol gods than I am, and fucking learn from this? Wake the fucking fuck up, dood. I really, really want to believe that you're not still, after two fucking seasons, in way the fuck over your incredibly short head. I really do. Do please provide countering evidence. Soon.

While I'm ranting at Saint Benny: learn to fucking man manage, you fucking twerp. It was sheer bloody luck that two of your three subs were involved in the spectacular and surprising winning goal and reversed my aforementioned prediction. And why you're stuck on the chickenhearted and immobile Lionardo Pajoy utterly eludes me. But fairness demands a respectful concession, too. While you started bringing subs way later than you should have, and the only reason I can think that you would've subbed out Chris Pontius is that he was getting mugged and the whistle guy wasn't doing anything about it, placing Branko up top turned out real well. I'm not gonna say it was genius, because there's no way in hell you anticipated that a late breakaway would be composed of Louis Fucking Neal and Branko Fucking Boskovic. No. Way. In. Hell. But it turned out real well, so thanks. As it happens, it's the only reason why I'm keeping my religion and referring to you in the proper form, your sainthood, Sir.

But Jeebus, Pajoy is shite. He far more often than not shies away from challenges, he has no idea how to move off-ball, and his footwork isn't as dazzling as he and his mom think it is. Santos has returned from whatever pre-injury vacation he took to the land of relatively smart soccer players, and Saint Benny's fucking fixation on two holding midfielders is beyond comprehension. As he lets two designated players sit on the fucking bench. Jesus H Wobbly Crutched Titty Fucking Christ, that's fucking stupid.

The win puts DC in a playoff spot for the first time in 5 years. Thanks, boys. I can't say well done; it wasn't. It was sloppy, and you were very, very lucky that Warzycha and FC Yellow got cocky and took a chance they shouldn't have taken. Your possession is shite, your finishing is fuckawful, and you let Will Hesmer Andy Gruenebaum look like Tim Fucking Howard. But thank you very kindly, and it's about fucking time. Tradition!

Update/correction:  I'd have sworn they announced Hesmer as the starting keeper for FCY, but Ilse points out that the MLS site says that Andy Gruenebaum. So thanks Ilse, and fuck both FCY keepers anyway.

Another update:  16 minutes of texts rescued by Himself, here. It should go without saying that my favorite is:

91:00 HOLYSHIT BRANKO BREAKAWAY LOB TO NEAL GOOOOOOOLLLLLLL 3-2.

The aforementioned prediction of doom ("reeks of losing in stoppage") was, in fact, in the 86th minute. I started bitching about Saint Benny in the 77th. I was clearly pretty despondent from the time DCU equalized, up to the winning goal.