Wednesday, November 28, 2012

On the Suckage of Presidents

A Twitter exchange that begins here (expand the conversation) led me to contemplating the relative suckitude of U.S.presidents.

But it bored me, because I'm only thinking in terms of how much I hate each one.So let me just tell you about some presidents I really dislike a lot.

Jefferson, because he was a lying hypocritical slavefucker above all. I really mean above all.

Nixon, because Nixon.

Lincoln, because he was a lying skank who actually disliked brown people and, while he was acting to preserve the Union (as he should have), he took a big old shit all over the Constitution to do it, opening the door to future constitutional asswipe by none other than W Bush and President Dronzalot (among many others, both revered and not so much). In the words of the fantabulous Duane Ellison, Lincoln was only known as Honest Abe because he told every single person he ever met in his entire lanky motherfucking life that he was Honest Abe.

Reagan, because he was a lying motherfucker who just plain hated government, got elected on a platform of taking government from the people who needed it most, and permanently crippled the government's ability to govern. His sharpening of and focusing on executive power contributed to subsequent presidents' inability to deal with the legislative branch, but so did those presidents' collective and individual weaknesses--as is ever the cycle. It'll just be a fucking shame if the president who stops the waning power of the executive is fucking Chris Christie. On the other hand, my admiration for the waxing of the executive should be limited--all of my top four were guys who enjoyed, to one extent or another, executive primacy (yes, Nixon only until he killed it by his own hand).

There are others I'm not big on, but they pale in comparison, they're the Diet Coke of evil compared to these guys. It's not even worth ranking them. I suppose Jackson rises to near the top for his faux populism and his Hamilton-hating, but it was born of ignorance, not intelligent malice or any real understanding of how government ought be. There are others who were bad, but not so systematically bad by design that I'd bother to dislike them much; Buchanon comes to mind, far more hapless than evil.They were more products of time, circumstance, culture, and convention.

Other presidents started stupid wars for no reason; McKinley, Polk, Johnson, and more. It's hard to say how evil that makes them. It's easy to tag the Bushes (and, by extension, Obama) as evil for starting/perpetuating wars in the post-Vietnam era; we're supposed to know better. They're supposed to. Of course, every war in history has been followed by a lengthy period of a supposed desire for peace, suddenly overcome by circumstances deemed compelling. Are the Bushes worse than Woodrow Wilson? Perspectivized, it's hard to make the case.

Enough. I've conclusively proved my case, which is fuck Lincoln and his movie. QED. No, Whispers, that's it, I said QED.

Update: Alsotoo, LGM. Twice, actually, plus more if you scroll down. It's Weighing in on Lincoln Day at LGM. No Lincoln-lovers there, either, though it'd be a stretch to suggest that they share my abject disdain for the man, and Noon does a good job of mocking the Red Lincoln theory, which was best, most plausibly, most entertainingly, and most inaccurately plumbed by Harry Turtledove in his Southern Victory series (in which the South is not, ultimately, victorious).


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Kind of weak on the obscenity there. I'll let it go this time.

Mainly because I am looking forward to this stupid fucking anti-robot capcha.

Sasha said...

Went there before I went here. The Dog's personal obsession with Obama -- I'm beginning to think it's a crush -- is the only thing causing him to believe the Lincoln movie is about ... well you know. Over There I told him it was intended to be something of a movie representation of the Doris Kearns Goodwin book, Team of Rivals. Having spent much time at urgent care and the pharmacy, I must feed myself before weighing in on the negative ranking of presidents. I do think there may be some merit in ranking them all. (My Clinton will be lower than most others' Clinton.)

Sasha said...

Also. Perspectivized the second Bush was way worse than the first. Killed lots of babies, was the recipient of the first attack on American soil, and started the second depression. Just sayin'

Sasha said...

Thoughts on the movie from another place.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I would argue that Dubya pre-gamed the second depression with the tax cuts in 2001. It just took a few years for them to really bleed the system dry.

Colin's Daddy said...

I would argue that the suckiest (i know, not a real word) president of all time may just be Wallace D. Loh

Whispers said...

Was going to watch Lincoln tonight, but watched Goon instead. Goon is good.

TJ loved his slaves dearly.