Saturday, August 03, 2013

Why I Hate My Futbol Team Even Though It Just Went Up 2-1

I would have, by now, been demanding the firing of the last two DC United coaches. In fact, I did, long before now, at points where the team didn't suck nearly as bad as this one does. And you might well accuse me of hero worship for this. "Look at that dumbass Landru," you say to yourself right about now. "He's so blinded by love for Saint Benny the Lionhearted that he can't bring himself to call for the dumb fuck's head."

To coin a meme: Sadly, no. 

I'm not bothering to demand the dumb fuck's firing, because it's pointless. There's no way the cheap cocksuckers who own this team are going to buy out Saint Benny, as hapless as he is.

It's hard to hate on Benny Olsen, true enough. Heart of a lion, tears of a clown, and all that. And there's certainly something to the notion that the cheap cocksuckers Thohir and Levien aren't giving him much to work with. But that's not all of it, and Benny's not working with what he has. He has a fucking retard in a chess helmet in central defense, and he traded his best central defender to Jason Kreis for semen on a cracker the other week because...I"m not sure why. Because McDonald looked at him funny in practice or something. It takes a genius at stupidity to think that Daniel Woolard is a better central defender than Brandon McDonald. It takes a genius at stupidity not to notice that Dwayne DeRosario is aging and counterproductive, and that even before the age really started to show this season, his arrogance and attitude doomed him to useless. It takes a genius at stupidity to bench the best goalkeeper in the league upon his return from a winning Gold Cup team, to play a fucking retard like Joe Willis--which almost cost them three points, as Willis let in a goal that I think would've been almost physically impossible for Bill Hamid to let in.

Sure, they made the playoffs last year on...what, adrenaline? Other teams' suck? Not on Benny's management skills, that's for fucking sure. I've addressed this for a long time now; see here, and scroll down past the two futbol posts I've made this year, and start reading. Or just read samples:

(11/4/2012) The last is, as always, uncomfortable for me, because he's a fucking saint. Benny Olsen is a terrible fucking man manager, just absolutely fuckawful. The team fielded 10 men for almost 25 minutes. Benny had two subs left. He didn't use them.
(10/20/2012) It makes no sense to backpass and then restart the advance at a pace that lets the other team catch up and repack the defense (and let's not even discuss the countless episodes of inept backpassing followed by stupid turnovers and goooooollllls). None. I screamed at Tommy Soehn about it, I screamed at Curt Onalfo about it, and it's only fair that I say this: Goddammit, Saint Benny, you stupid motherfucker, stop fucking coaching them to backpass and then build slow. What the fucking fuck is wrong with you, other than that you learned this fucking repulsive horseshit from Soehn and Onalfo? Didn't Saint Piotr learn you better? Can't you fucking stand there, far closer to this abomination in the sight of the futbol gods than I am, and fucking learn from this? Wake the fucking fuck up, dood. I really, really want to believe that you're not still, after two fucking seasons, in way the fuck over your incredibly short head. I really do. Do please provide countering evidence. Soon.
(8/12/2012) Part of the thing here, and it's a part we're loathe to admit, is that Benny is a really, really fuckawful in-game coach, and a poor tactical manager. Can this improve? Maybe. Given time, he'll improve more in a year or two than Tommy Soehn or Curt Onalfo will for the rest of their lives.Will he get time? Will he deserve it? Beats the fuck out of me.
(5/28/2012) Fuck You, Chester, Pennsylvania, and Fuck You, PP&L Park. It'll be fucking cold day in Hell when I spend money in your city, or your stadium, ever again.
Oh, wait. That last one's not about Benny. But I stand by it anyway.

So as I've typed this, DCU actually managed to score a clincher and win the game 3-1. Our friends on Comcast, including the formerly discommendated but no longer uniformed and maybe forgiven, I can't remember, Santino Quaranta (but not sainted Terps coach Sasho Cirovski, who's been studio-commenting for CSN and appears to have either smartened up or taken a timely vacation--and look, at I typed that, my teevee flashed up an utterly bullshit commercial about how excited I should be about the giant clusterfuck rape that's going to be Maryland football this season, yay!), are just creaming themselves over this first home victory since...Jeebus...1492 or something. 

You know what? Fuck this, I'm tiring myself out. Have bunnies instead.

Yes. Yes, they will.
Stump Bunnies

Yes, that is seriously Shakira with a bunny.

Yes, that is seriously some naked broad I don't know, with a bunny.

Gaymo bunnies are still my favorite.

Yeah. I feel better now, don't you?


BDR said...

There was a guy running around the field last night in black wearing Santino's old number with the name Jeffrey above it. Shitty metaphors abound sometimes too.

Jim H. said...

I'm sure the Twerps will make a buttload of Big Ten (or however many) bucks now. Yeah, that rivalry with Indiana will get their fans' passions high.

But, bunnies!

Sasha said...

God I love the bunnies

Sasha said...

Creeped me out to find an all Big 10 HD channel on my teevee yesterday

purplestate said...

I knew you couldn't resist commenting on the footie forevah.

Whispers said...

Ginger likes bunnies. Wants some to come visit.

mistah charley, ph.d. said...

those cute bunnies remind me of a joke from the mid-20th century

the main character is a distinguished boston matron of a certain age who goes to a taxidermist patronized by the carriage trade with two recently-deceased pet rabbits

she speaks at length of her love for these rabbits, and that which they had for each other, and how when one passed away of natural causes the other died of grief almost immediately, and how she would like them to be preserved so she can always remember the sweet affection which they personified, etc etc etc

finally the taxidermist interrupts her - "yes, madam, you'd like them mounted"

"oh no - holding paws would be quite sufficient"