I Fucked Hillary Clinton

Fascist fascination with the Clintons never ceases to awe me. The man is in retirement. The woman is a carpetbagging grunt-level stormtrooper for a badly damaged minority party. And yet, fascists would have you, the Democratic voter, nominate her for President, mostly because they think she'll be easy to smear.

I don't know the truth of why the fascists are so insistent about Hilary Clinton's ambition to be President in the face of all evidence, or why they salivate so to have her as the object of their racist and sexist agitprop. I can only credit a lack of imagination. After all, facts don't usually stand in the way of their efforts to discredit their political opponents. Why should she be so superior to other candidates in their little piggy eyes? Can we reach any conclusion other than that they think she'll be an easy ride?

I don't think so. The evidence is in today, in the form of this new book by a guy who used to edit the New York Times Magazine but then managed to lose that job and become the guy who writes the widely syndicated "Personalities on Parade" for that bastion of intellect, Parade magazine. Wow, those are some creds, there, dood. And those august creds are not exactly enhanced by your propensity for screaming at the top of your lungs that the Senator is a lesbian.

This is, of course, the starting coughs of the machine. The igniting spark came last week, when Drudge (oh, fine, whatever; I'm absolutely sick about having to maintain the fantasy of some sort of standards around here) fluffed the book's release (verb credit to Salon, although I think it deserves to become the standard for referring to Drudgeworks). The press blitz is today, and my nearly predawn awareness of this story is certainly a testament to the efficiency of the fascists' media gotterdammerung.

I should look into that whole mediakrieg thing. My day job is managing a project that is publishing a book on global public health priorities. It's a big book. A dull book. A book written by many, many smart people. A large charitable foundation, cashed up entirely by Someone Very Famous Who You Have Heard Of, is funding this project, and its findings will splash down with about as much relevance as the Tunguska asteroid unless we get ourselves a hook like Hilary is a Communist Dyke and a media firm with all the subtlety of General Sherman. We are trying to talk Oprah's producers into letting our most handsome and distinguished editor onto her program, but even that's not going to make sure you hear about our book as you drive along whichever arterial nightmare gets you to the office.

But all that's someone else's problem. My problem is that people are trashing my girl Hill. They're slandering her with blatant falsehoods. I can prove that she's not a dyke. How? Because I had sex with her, that's how. While Bill was staining Monica's dress and Monica was ruining a perfectly good cigar, I was off in the East Wing giving Hillary a solid JBF. And I've got the soiled blue dress shirt to prove it (I kept the boxers, too, but you probably didn't want to hear about that). What, you didn't think I'd wear a freakin' polo shirt to the White House, did you? She was a little stiff, no question, but it's not like I actually needed those Roofies I brought along just in case. Nosirree, she was down with it.

But I'm not giving you any more details, because that'd be pornographic, and that's just not what we're about here at Minions.

She's also not a Commie. You see, in the book Weapons of Choice, by John Birmingham, a novel of the future, the time-travelling action centers around the U.S.S. Hillary Clinton, a futuristic aircraft and missile carrier "named after the most uncompromising wartime president in the history of the United States." I ask you, would the people of the future name such an awesome war machine after a Commie? I think not.

Okay, so now I've matched the standard of evidence for the Clinton impeachment, the defeat of John Kerry, and the guy who wrote the Hillary smear book. Combined. Where to next?

Well, let's talk about the evidence that Hillary Clinton is actually going to run for President. Whatcha got there, Mr. Wingnut Theorist? Right. You got bupkes, except for that nice feeling you get in your prostate when you start thinking about how much fun you'd have running around the country for a whole presidential campaign tossing out words like "liberal" and "lesbian" and "Wellesley" and "Monica Lewinsky." And that? Is what's driving Fascist fear of Senator Clinton.

So, dear reader, elevate yourself to a Republican's level. Every time some fascist crackpot mentions something about Hillary Clinton, ask him this eternal question: "Is that a thimble in your pants, or are you just excited about the election?"