Ascending to Heaven

Oh. Well, that's very different, then. It turns out (find your own sources, they're all over the fucking blogosphere, including any sausage to the right that isn't about games or sports) that Karl Rove isn't a bad man after all. He didn't out Valerie Plame, Robert Novak and some unidentified journalist did. To him, Karl Rove. Thank God Karl Rove is on the case. Thank God this isn't all just some White House effort to destroy a political opponent with character assassination and defamatory and misleading statements. We were all really worried there, right?

I'm willing to accept the possibility that Karl Rove did not perjure himself before a grand jury yesterday. I don't think it's tremendously likely, given the stories on top of stories on top of stories. But I'm willing to accept it as a possibility, much like I'm willing to accept as a possibility the notion that Peter Angelos might someday die and free me to give money to the church of baseball, or that Abe Lincoln (whom I don't really like, actually) isn't spinning in his grave at the antics of the party he founded.

So if it was really that simple, why the fuck didn't Rove just say so a year or two ago? I'll tell you why not. Because he's lying.

The dogged fascists who seem to think that there are circumstances where a high-ranking government official should expose, and unilaterally muck up the career of, a covert operative, will no doubt have another opinion. Karl Rove, they'll tell me, doesn't owe me an explanation of anything.

But they're lying too. Karl Rove is a high-ranking government official whose behavior should be above reproach. Kinda like guys who shouldn't jizz on sluts in blue dresses. Exactly like that, in fact, except for the fact that exposing a U.S. government covert operative during wartime, which Karl Rove seems to think this is, would be treason. Have I mentioned that treason during wartime, which Karl Rove seems to think this is, is a capital offense?

By the way, for those of you weak in math, emitting on sluts, while desirable under some circumstances, is neither treasonous nor capital, as offenses go.

Not only are they lying, they're once again exposing their own fundamental arrogance, and the administration's. Which reminds me, when you've completed that Tucker Carlson assignment, find out which Giant Michelle Malkin goes to so I can track her down and complete a similar assignment.

It is possible, though unlikely, that Karl Rove did not technically commit a crime in making whatever statements he did, in fact make about Valerie Plame. But his subsequent lies about those statements--and it's hard to see how he hasn't lied here, given the multiplicity of stories told by Rove and his attorney--certainly have an odor of perjury about them.

Of course, it's a lot worse to lie about where one spilled one's seed.

So Karl Rove should be hanged--or, given the quality of mercy, lethally injected--pursuant, of course, to the rule of law that he so deeply respects, with due process for all.

But what of Scott McClellan, of whom the nicest adjective we have lately read is "pasty"? The blogosphere is likewise consumed and obsessed with this week's daily White House press briefings, of which I have produced here a brief summary:

White House Press Swarm: So Scott, how does the President feel about employing a fuckwit who deliberately exposed a covert CIA professional for political gain?

Mac Pasty: Pat Fitzgerald gave me a note. I don't have to answer that.

WHPS: But you've already answered it, repeatedly, just short of under oath, way after Prosecutin' Pat gave you that note.

MP: I already answered that.

WHPS: No, you didn't.

MP: Yes, I did, infinity.

WHPS: Fuck you.

MP: No, no, Pat gave me a note.

WHPS: Sphincter says what?

MP: What?

You Are My Minions. Coverage you can't get anywhere else.