It's a special day here at Minions as we welcome back our favorite guest, Landru.
YAMM: So what brings you back as our guest today?
Landru: The fact that you're my blog. And I haven't been your guest for like eleven days now. And I'm too lazy to write you in anything but this hackneyed hackney of a formackney.
YAMM: Oh, it's not like you barged in and threatened us at gunpoint.
Landru: Of course it is. Dimwit.
YAMM: So what's stuck in your shitter, Landru?
Landru: John Edwards' haircut, Bill Clinton's cock, Sarah Gore's engagement dinner, impending unemployment, worksuck despisement and an overwhelming desire to not be employed there, the return of the pain-in-the-ass child from a blissful two weeks at Grandma's, and losing to that stink-dicked cocksucking futbol traitor Bruce Arena the other day. And bDr not being incensed enough about it and pussywhinging that we're becoming a parody of our badfan selves. That guy just makes me want to poop vomit sometimes.
YAMM: You're deeply disturbed.
Landru: And you're not? What are you, retarded?
YAMM: That's not a very nice word.
Landru: It's okay, my retarded son doesn't mind.
YAMM: You're really very cruel.
Landru: Okay, clearly, you're new here. Anything else?
YAMM: Well, sure, we were talking.
Landru: No, I was ranting. You were transcribing. It appears to be an appropriate level of relationship.
YAMM: Is there nothing good about your life?
Landru: Sure. Pork products. A lovely HD television on which I play FIFA 07 and watch actual grown men kicking actual futbols and each other. A nubile and pliant wife who keeps the pitcher full of iced tea and whom I fuck and you don't. The phantasmagorical array of links to your right. The knowledge certain that if I keep swilling sausage while smoking Camels and sitting on the couch playing FIFA, I won't have to keep worrying about politics, unemployment, DCU, and Bruce Arena's shit-cock. My seething hatred of Dook, the Cowboys, the Red Scum, the Devolution, the Yellow Football Team, the Fire, the Galaxy, the Burn, the Dynamo, and Real Salt Lake, coupled with knowing that Kansas City and Colorado are too consistently insignificant to hate, Toronto's too new to hate, and my secret inability to hate Chivas makes them no less worthy.
YAMM: Is there anything that can be done to bring you under control?
Landru: Nothing short of the Grim Reaper himself. Or perhaps Jonathan Bornstein.
YAMM: That's really sad.
Landru: You could really stand to read some Nietzsche.
YAMM: Thanks, Landru.
Landru: Fuck off. See you the next time I feel like doing some pathetic attention-seeking.
1 week ago