They Can't Be Giants

I really owe it to two beloved friends to try to be gentle about this, and I'm really gonna try. The thing is that Patriots fans, with the absolute exception of my two friends who know who they are, are total fucksticks. Even my two beloved friends, who know who they are, couldn't help spending the weekend taunting God. And yet, I really don't like seeing them suffer along with the millions of douchebags with whom they have to share a football team. I very nearly hurt for them. In fact, I do hurt for them, even though the Patriots and all but two of their fans are fucktards.

Many of you know that I am all about the schadenfreude, and about the haterade, at least when it comes to sports. And politics. And people who piss me off. And dogs. And those kids on my yard. And that fucking Elmo video that Bam-Bam wants to watch over and over again.

But I digress.

This is way different. It is true that they had it coming, all of them, the fucksticks (who are simply fucksticks), the Patriots (who are insufferable asshats), and my two beloved friends, who couldn't stop taunting God despite their best efforts and the fact that they are not, in any way, fucksticks.

It is true that it is sad that they didn't see it coming. I considered stopping it, I really did. I gently and passive-aggressively tried to get them to respect Elisha, even a tiny bit just to offset their complete lack of unconfidence. But they couldn't do it, and honestly, it's hard for me to blame them. I mean, c'mon. Eli Manning? Get the fuck real.

And yet? And yet? They taunted God.

My Freestate homies--one of whom knows and loves my two beloved friends--understand this concept, to their very bones. It is the obligation of every Maryland fan to hang his or her head and steadfastly declaim any chance that any Terrapin team in a revenue-producing sport will ever win so much as a game of tiddlywinks, ever. In this way, we once-in-a-lifetime win the NCAA tournament, or a basketball game in Cameron, or even perhaps a football game against your sister's Girl Scout troop. It's an important obligation, one that every fan of any sporting endeavor should embrace, especially this guy when he's contemplating the potential fates of a certain greatest football team (Vamos!). It's why nobody but me knows that I sorta thought the fucking Giants might pull this off; I kept my fucking mouth shut. I freely admit that it helped that I hate the fucking fuck out of the fucking Giants, too, but that's a stumper; I kept my fucking mouth shut because I didn't want to jinx the fucking Giants? WTFF?

But I digress. It's simple. Don't taunt God, kids. She'll make a beeline for your afterquarters every single time.

And peace out to my two beloved friends who gracefully and good-humoredly sat through an evening of being tormented by fans of the fucking Giants and even bigger fans of schadenfreude.