Thursday, January 08, 2009

Keeping You Safe

The Secret Service, the National Park Service, and the Metropolitan Police Department (DC police) today announced the following measures for the protection of those attending the upcoming inauguration of President-Elect Obama:

Road Closures: Every street in the District of Columbia and Montgomery and Prince George's Counties in Maryland, Fairfax, Loudoun, Arlington, and Prince Billy Bob Counties in Virginia, and the cities of Arlington, Alexandria, Fairfax, and Manassas will be closed to vehicular, equine, cycle, and pedestrian traffic. All denizens of the affected areas will be required (except as noted below) to huddle inside their homes. Guests will not be allowed to leave their hotels, boarding houses, and brothels. Violators will be subject to arrest by MPD, USSS, or the 3rd Armored Division, which will be deputized as sworn law enforcement officers to assist with downtown crowd control.

Public Transit: You've got to be fucking kidding. Subways and bus routes would be, like, direct pathways for terrists.

Mandatory Evacuations: The 101st Airborne Division, which didn't bleed from the feet in the freezing Eurofag winter at Bastogne so that you cocksuckers could elect some Negro as President, will be escorting every resident of Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia to somewhere else. Tennessee, maybe. We hear they got space there. Oh, shit, did we forget Delaware? You too. Get moving.

Forced Blackouts: We're turning off the electricity so terrists can't plug in their walkie-talkies. No water, either. If we make the plumbing more like their home countries, the terrists won't want to come here.

Foam: To enable better crowd control, we will be spreading a 14-foot-thick layer of foam over the entire area between the Susquehanna, the James, the Appalachians, and the Atlantic Ocean.

Timing: All of the aforementioned measures will lapse from effect at 12:01 PM on January 20, when it will no longer be this administration's problem. But we're damned if you're gonna shoot the nigger on our watch.
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It used to be that the funniest jokes began with "Duck walks into a bar"* or "Three individuals, whom I am about to stereotype, including one about whom I will be downright bigoted, were in a structure, vehicle, or outdoor setting." Now they begin with "The USSS announced today..."

*Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any condoms?" The bartender says, "Screw you, we don't sell condoms to ducks." Next day, same duck, same bar, duck asks the bartender, "Got any condoms?" Bartender says, "I told you once, we don't sell condoms to ducks, and if you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the floor." Next day, duck walks in, asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" Bartender is puzzled, says, "No." Duck asks, "Got any condoms?"**

**That one's actually for you, Dweeze.

12 comments:

Lisa McMann said...

I was told it was "Got any duck food?"

Now you throw condoms at me and ruin everything.

Sasha said...

I heard that they were going to spread all of the sidewalks with Crisco just in case somebody tried to walk someplace.

And my Word is really special: idiat

BDR said...

Penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I'm supposed to meet my brother here, have you seen him?

The bartender says, I don't know, what does he look like?

Swami said...

I thought the duck asked for some quackers.

I say put on your best suit, a fancy ear-piece, a take-no-shit expression and see how close you can get to The Elect. Or just stay in the brothel and tough it out, lol.

Purplestate said...

Bartender finally gives up, goes into the bathroom, and comes back with a condom.

"Fine, whatever. That will be fifty cents."

The duck says, "Put it on my bill"

you racist mofo. We are wii'd up, you should come by sometime . . . like the 18th.

I am . . . stessin

Sasha said...

The DCExaminer tells me that the authorities don't think I'm frightened enough. The fibbies are warning business people of a possible "Mumbai style" terrorist attack. http://www.dcexaminer.com/local/010909-FBI_outlines_possibility_of_a_Mumbai-style_attack_on_DC.html
And this very morning Cathy Lanier (DCs police chief for those in the provinces -- yes a chick with blonde hair) assured me on the Span that they had an evacuation plan for DC. She must have seen the skepticism in my face, though, so she went on to explain that it was a walk-out evancuation plan, and that if they needed to all of the people in DC could walk over the bridges to Virginia.

I'm feeling safer now. How about you?

Landru said...

3D tested that evacuation plan when they made the hookers march to Arlington.

Buggy said...

I'm just here to say hi.
"Hi"

Keep safe ya'll

Pepe said...

Sounds like it's going to be a fun time in D.C. - I expect the bridges to be full of people going in both directions ... the history-seeking people coming into down and the D.C. folks fleeing town en masse.

Let's get to the more important stuff...

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer".

Bartender: "Hey! where did you come from?"

Duck: "I'm working the construction site across the street".

Barkeep: "Well, why are you working in construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"

Duck: "Why the hell would the circus want a brick-laying duck?"

Steven said...

Gotta love when the evacuation plan from New Orleans is recycled in DC. I think it was something like...Run Mother Fucker! Run!

Sasha said...

Today's Local Papaer tells me that the homeless who live in the Security Zone are being encouraged to stay in shelters. They are opening all of the shelters for 24 hours -- usually they toss out the homeless during the daytime -- and providing warm beverages. The city "will offer free storage to those who are hampered by their world possessions." Hampered.

The article quotes a dogooder as saying "We'll make it a day of celebration, a fun place ..."

I feel warm and fuzzy. How about you?

*spit*

Sasha again said...

Oh, and they announced the Closing of the Bridges on sunday ... There will be a concert, you know? So they have to make sure nobody can get to it I suppose.