The Secret Service, the National Park Service, and the Metropolitan Police Department (DC police) today announced the following measures for the protection of those attending the upcoming inauguration of President-Elect Obama:
Road Closures: Every street in the District of Columbia and Montgomery and Prince George's Counties in Maryland, Fairfax, Loudoun, Arlington, and Prince Billy Bob Counties in Virginia, and the cities of Arlington, Alexandria, Fairfax, and Manassas will be closed to vehicular, equine, cycle, and pedestrian traffic. All denizens of the affected areas will be required (except as noted below) to huddle inside their homes. Guests will not be allowed to leave their hotels, boarding houses, and brothels. Violators will be subject to arrest by MPD, USSS, or the 3rd Armored Division, which will be deputized as sworn law enforcement officers to assist with downtown crowd control.
Public Transit: You've got to be fucking kidding. Subways and bus routes would be, like, direct pathways for terrists.
Mandatory Evacuations: The 101st Airborne Division, which didn't bleed from the feet in the freezing Eurofag winter at Bastogne so that you cocksuckers could elect some Negro as President, will be escorting every resident of Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia to somewhere else. Tennessee, maybe. We hear they got space there. Oh, shit, did we forget Delaware? You too. Get moving.
Forced Blackouts: We're turning off the electricity so terrists can't plug in their walkie-talkies. No water, either. If we make the plumbing more like their home countries, the terrists won't want to come here.
Foam: To enable better crowd control, we will be spreading a 14-foot-thick layer of foam over the entire area between the Susquehanna, the James, the Appalachians, and the Atlantic Ocean.
Timing: All of the aforementioned measures will lapse from effect at 12:01 PM on January 20, when it will no longer be this administration's problem. But we're damned if you're gonna shoot the nigger on our watch.
It used to be that the funniest jokes began with "Duck walks into a bar"* or "Three individuals, whom I am about to stereotype, including one about whom I will be downright bigoted, were in a structure, vehicle, or outdoor setting." Now they begin with "The USSS announced today..."
*Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any condoms?" The bartender says, "Screw you, we don't sell condoms to ducks." Next day, same duck, same bar, duck asks the bartender, "Got any condoms?" Bartender says, "I told you once, we don't sell condoms to ducks, and if you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the floor." Next day, duck walks in, asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" Bartender is puzzled, says, "No." Duck asks, "Got any condoms?"**
**That one's actually for you, Dweeze.