Wednesday, September 22, 2010


This post is about a month and a half overdue, but Ilse took some great pictures, so I wanted to post something (not least because I promised Sasha). I've forgotten a lot of what I intended to write--in fact, I've forgotten a lot of what happened. So you get what you get.

We went to Canadah back in August, taking the long drive up through western Pennsylfuckingvania, through Buffalo, and into the land of our friendly northern neighbors, so polite and shining and worthy full of high lawful good purpose. They really are friendly folk--look at this picture from Niagara Falls, ON:

What a Helpful Country!
I go round and round with Sasha, who usually wants to know what's to hate about a country so peaceful and strong and free and maple-flavoured. Few things save Canadah from a response of "all of it," but Toronto, at least, has some charms, most of them related to food. It's also pretty fucking clean, except for the gum on the sidewalks (why can't people who actually use their litter and recycling bins manage to not spit out their fucking gum on the sidewalk?). In our experience, the food in Toronto, coupled with the ease of getting around on their beautifully functional subway and streetcar system, just barely eclipsed the self-righteousness, the nanny statery, and the awesomely ridiculous projection of broad-shouldered self-reliance from a country that sucks the Queen's dick (and ours, when the profit outweighs the shame).

Niagara Falls is a nightmare. It's like what helpful Canadians expect Americans want from a tourist shithole. That aside, the falls themselves are perfectly cool, as we found on the obligatory boat ride.

American Falls and Bridal Veil Falls, from the Maid of the Mist Docks in Canada
All photos by Ilse, unless we say otherwise. I think I took the beaver shot, though. Movies, too:

Awesome vids shot by Ilse as the boat driver powered up the boat and pointed into the current while we were surrounded by Horseshoe Falls. Brave, brave videography.

Then we went to Toronto. See above. Below: why I hate Canada.

This is a monument to war dead. From the Boer War.
You people think I'm just a mean little fuck who makes up shit like "they suck the Queen's dick." Wrong.

Actual proof that it's all about the Boer War.

Bronzed corpses of Canadians who died in the Boer War.
Okay, that caption's a lie.

So there's a reason we chose Toronto.

A cathedral.
The Hockey HoF is a really cool thing, embedded in a 19th-century Bank of Montreal building, with a big mall/office complex built over and around it. They actually did a pretty good job.

Native Canadian architecture
On the other hand, Canadians are a little odd. But you knew that.

Statue of Canadian children awaiting the short bus in front of the HoF
It really is a cathedral of hockey. I don't mean to overblow this, but I really had to work to not wet myself. This is the dome of the trophy vault, inside the old bank building.

Actual 19th century bank architecture
Fat tourist with bloodied head at shrine of St. Mike Gartner
And above, some guy worships his underrepresented team.

Okay, that's it, because the rest is trophies and stuff. Thanks to Ilse for the photography.


Sasha said...

What? All that and I didn't even get a label?

I totally adore the photography. Kudos to Ilse. And I totally adore the HoF building. Anchoring hockey in that ancient structure with gingerbread is terrific.

I also adore the tall arched structure with glass. A lot.

Nice shot of tourist. I'd recognize those American clothes anywhere in the world.

I hope I get a chance to see the rest of the pics one of these days.

Also. Canadians eat mayonnaise on their fries, drink decent beer, and are politically leftish and painfully polite. I admire that without feeling the need to emulate it.

Thanks for the post. :)

whispers said...

"I think I took the beaver shot, though."


GrizzlyPlaytoy4Rent said...

"...they suck the Queen's dick."

You seem to be implying the Queen of England is a tranny (and therefore possibly affiliated with Cris Collingsworth, an even worse offense). No small wonder the Canadians don't care for our kind.

Swami said...

Finally, a post that's not all Maryland, my Maryland.

Hey when you drove (or rode or whatever) from Niagara to Toronto you passed 3 exits from the QEW to my old hometown and if you knew exactly where to look you could have seen the peak of my family's Edwardian house.

Besides the Boer war we spent (as school children) a lot of time on the War of 1812, when drunken idiots from Buffalo kept sneaking over the border to steal stuff and cause mayhem.

kl said...

I was in Canada in August. I was in Quebec for 5 weeks. It's a shame that I missed you.

I finally got the spam email about you being held at gunpoint in London. I could tell from the grammar that you didn't write the email. Still, for a moment I was worried.