CanadaBlog

This post is about a month and a half overdue, but Ilse took some great pictures, so I wanted to post something (not least because I promised Sasha). I've forgotten a lot of what I intended to write--in fact, I've forgotten a lot of what happened. So you get what you get.

We went to Canadah back in August, taking the long drive up through western Pennsylfuckingvania, through Buffalo, and into the land of our friendly northern neighbors, so polite and shining and worthy full of high lawful good purpose. They really are friendly folk--look at this picture from Niagara Falls, ON:

What a Helpful Country!

I go round and round with Sasha, who usually wants to know what's to hate about a country so peaceful and strong and free and maple-flavoured. Few things save Canadah from a response of "all of it," but Toronto, at least, has some charms, most of them related to food. It's also pretty fucking clean, except for the gum on the sidewalks (why can't people who actually use their litter and recycling bins manage to not spit out their fucking gum on the sidewalk?). In our experience, the food in Toronto, coupled with the ease of getting around on their beautifully functional subway and streetcar system, just barely eclipsed the self-righteousness, the nanny statery, and the awesomely ridiculous projection of broad-shouldered self-reliance from a country that sucks the Queen's dick (and ours, when the profit outweighs the shame).

Niagara Falls is a nightmare. It's like what helpful Canadians expect Americans want from a tourist shithole. That aside, the falls themselves are perfectly cool, as we found on the obligatory boat ride.

American Falls and Bridal Veil Falls, from the Maid of the Mist Docks in Canada

All photos by Ilse, unless we say otherwise. I think I took the beaver shot, though. Movies, too:

Awesome vids shot by Ilse as the boat driver powered up the boat and pointed into the current while we were surrounded by Horseshoe Falls. Brave, brave videography.

Then we went to Toronto. See above. Below: why I hate Canada.

This is a monument to war dead. From the Boer War.

You people think I'm just a mean little fuck who makes up shit like "they suck the Queen's dick." Wrong.

Actual proof that it's all about the Boer War.

See?

Bronzed corpses of Canadians who died in the Boer War.

Okay, that caption's a lie.

So there's a reason we chose Toronto.

A cathedral.

The Hockey HoF is a really cool thing, embedded in a 19th-century Bank of Montreal building, with a big mall/office complex built over and around it. They actually did a pretty good job.

Native Canadian architecture

On the other hand, Canadians are a little odd. But you knew that.

Statue of Canadian children awaiting the short bus in front of the HoF

It really is a cathedral of hockey. I don't mean to overblow this, but I really had to work to not wet myself. This is the dome of the trophy vault, inside the old bank building.

Actual 19th century bank architecture

Fat tourist with bloodied head at shrine of St. Mike Gartner

And above, some guy worships his underrepresented team.

Okay, that's it, because the rest is trophies and stuff. Thanks to Ilse for the photography.