Friday, February 18, 2011

Things My Boyfriend Tells Me

Om. Eff. Gee.

Metastory first: BFF1 clued me to breaking news of common interest, as he sometimes does. I source-checked and cross-verified, and established that the astonishing and not actually believeable thing that he told me was actually true. It is a news item so far-fetched, so out of touch with reality that I checked to make sure that six weeks had not sped by and unaccountably dumped me out on April 1. I called Ilse as she was driving home from dumping Data and Bam off for the weekend, an otherwise happy event at most times, and her response was a spontaneous heartfelt, gut-wrenching, blood-curdling, "Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!", delivered in a tone usually reserved for scenes in movies where some slutburger non-starlet breaks a heel while fleeing from hideous monsters from the dungeon dimensions. Or Jay Leno.

It's one of those cases where information transfer is like an unwanted exchange of bodily fluids. It's...Jeebus, it's just fucking creepy.

So once upon a time, our futbol club traded away part of the farm, and part of the manure, to get the allocation rights to a former player for our club who was returning from his once-lucky break in Europe. The part of the farm that we traded was a draft pick--specifically, our first pick last season, which became the world-destroying very fine young Phunions2 player Danny Mwanga Jack McInerney. The former player, Troy Perkins, turned out to be manure, meaning we traded manure and Danny Mwanga Jack McInerney for manure. Troy is now working for the (it is to be hoped) insignificant Portland Giant Chubby Woodies or something, having been blamed for DCU management's abject failure to obtain anything resembling a defense last season.

You're wondering why I'm dancing. It's because I can't say it. It's too horrifying. It's scare-iffic! It makes me fear taking my post in 232 for 17 freaking home games (plus specials) this season. It tells me right now what phrase I will scream this season from my post, even more than, "Shut the fuck up Morsink, you motherfucking punkass bitch!" It is my future hell3, and the future is now.

Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ on a Wobbly Motherfucking Rotten Bamboo Crutch, we gave up another fucking draft pick for fucking Fredsux. After her blood-curdling scream, Ilse threatened to drive into a bridge abutment, and I can't fucking blame her.

Here's the nicest thing I've ever said about Fred:

Fred? Run, you fucking cocksucker. Stop fucking dancing, pass the fucking ball, and run like my football club is paying you hundreds of thousands of dollars in green American fucking money to actually fucking run like you're a professional fucking athlete, you fucking assclown.

Here's the dumbest thing I've ever said about Fred (though I actually didn't say it about Fred): get points for viciously and criminally clobbering players I hate without getting caught, for entertaining me by actually bearhugging guys from behind on set pieces (again, without getting caught), for fighting to your dying breath on one fucking leg and scoring what would've been a winning goal in a playoff-implications game if fucking Fred weren't such a fucking useless jackass, for your two goals in my team's shirt being as memorable as his two goals in my team's shirt.
Why is it the dumbest thing I've ever said about Fred? Because I fucking said it yesterday.

I officially withdraw yesterday's comment about Boyfriend whistling past our chosen graveyard. Jeebus. Shut the fuck up a whole lot, me.

UPDATE: Kind thanks to commenter Goose for pointing out that I'm dyslexic. The Phunions took Jack McInerney with DCU's pick. The point is significant but the argument holds. Even adjusting for the benefit of hindsight, who would you rather have, one year of Troy Perkins, or the rights to Jack McInerney (or Dilly Duka or Corben Bone or Bright Dike, all of who went later in that draft)? Nonetheless, McInerney ain't Mwanga, and thanks to Goose.

1Who, incredibly, posted a rare evening post today, but it has nothing to do with this news, but with some plaint about our evil overlords supporting other evil overlords in their soul-and-body-crushing exploits in some forn parts. WTF, dood? Can you drop the train in vain Baba O'Reilly world revolution foolies bullshit for a minute and post about important stuff?
3Yeah, yeah, his too. WTFever.


Goose said...

Jack McInerny, not Mwanga.

Landru said...

Right you are--I dyslexified the first round from that draft.

Does it alter my central point?

BDR said...

The late post was as much or more about those two clear, concise, honest, and snarkily honest paragraphs getting past Fred Hiatt's censors as it was about our evil overlords and paybacks being a bitch.

Landru said...

Yay! Big fish!

BDR said...

Late Valentine Day present!

Goose said...

Doesn't alter the point about Fred, but it does the general screed against the front office since it's not as though we missed out on a "world beater" due to numbskullery.

We're talking about giving up a second round pick two years from now where major players are rarely found outside of the first 8 or so picks of the draft.

I definitely remember all the reasons why people wanted Fred gone in the first place, but he's adding depth now. On a good day, DC will have a bench consisting of Fred, Pontius, Quaranta, Ngwenya, Burch and Onstad. That's way less shitty than most teams' bench.

Landru said...

By "general screed," I'll assume you mean my entire life. No, trust me, it's better that way.

I agree that the second-round pick is a dice roll. However, that's not a full accounting--there'd also be the trade value of Fred--stunning, at the time, by my lights, not so much by yours. Less stunning now, we seem to agree.

Not that it's particularly relevant, but should I know you? Your nick is vaguely familiar but I'm not sure why.

Thanks for dropping by.

BDR said...

Goose has been a faithful reader and occasional commenter at my place for a few years. Met him once for a beer.

Goose said...

Yeah, if somebody writes something about United, I generally end up reading it.

Sasha said...

Watching the tongue kissing is a little disturbing.

BDR said...

Yeah, yuck. Fred's fault. Thanks, Fred.