Broder Dies; Fabricated Americans Mourn

As you'll no doubt read or have read on more important blogs than this one, YFWP and syndicated columnist and Village medicine man David Broder died today. Broder's special gift as a Villager was to scold anyone for anything, take a contrary position, and pretend he was the moderate and well-reasoned one. It was reported that Broder's last words were, "It's good for America that Gingrich had to fuck interns to bring about the Reagan Revolution and end Communism."

Ordinary nonexistent Americans were moved by Broder's passing. Fictitious taxi driver I. Don Texist wept as he said, "Broder was the best at using his columns to advance the opinions of ordinary invented folk." Other sham opinionators shared Texist's views: "The man had his finger on the pulse of the composite," observed Hemad Emeup, an imaginary Somalian immigrant airport shoeshine stand operator in a city without air service to which Broder never travelled. Broder's sense of grave responsibility in the face of hard times brought on by government and industry rapaciousness also resonated with made-up folk. "Tot" Al Fabrication, a fictive geezer in Springfield, opined that "Broder was right; cat food is good for the elderly."

Meanwhile, Villagers were appropriately respectful. "Give me a bear claw," growled the ghost of Tim Russert, while Fred Hiatt sobbed, "You simply can't imagine how profitable he made the false dichotomy between the dwindling and alleged left and the corporatist right that governs our demise." Maureen Dowd was unavailable for comment, and refused to respond when caught leaving an adult bookstore, where she was watching Al Gore porn.

Blogospheric opinion was widely varied. "hvn't dncd lke ths snce Plly Hrvy tld m t fck ff whle ws rdng ptry by scds," said Blckdgrd. Quintessential feminist Rosa Luxembourg Sasha unleashed a tirade on Broder that included the line, "Even among short men with small penises, he was a midget with an infantile dick." Others made even less sense. "He's exactly the guy I was thinking of when I joined Jack Crow's Punch A Motherfucker Party," said non-notable spittle-spewer Landru. "I don't have a blog," added Landru's wife Ilse. On the spherically semi-antipodal side of the political spectrum, Crow summed it all up: "Kill Noam Chomsky."