Monday, October 16, 2006

The Athleticism of the Turtle

I'd just like to point out that, from a results perspective, I have yet to be wrong about the Terrapins' football season. Being wrong last week would've been just orgasmic, but as we covered in the post just before this one, that was not to be. In other Terps' football news, Ralph Friedgen is still fat.

Midnight Madness was Friday night at Cole, err, Comcast. Or Maryland Madness, or whatever the hell they call it now. We invented it, you know. No, seriously. Leftuh was the first one to do it, and it just caught fahr all ovuh this gray-uht nation of our'n. Our reward for this? Leftuh's kid is a fucking assistant coach now. Can we give it back?

So the Madness was mildly entertaining, of a sort. The men's team returns a passel of self-centered a-holes and brings in some moderately interesting younguns, including an energetic and potentially dangerous shooting guard from Venezuela, a gigantic bruiser who's hurt, a lanky "slasher" (who hasn't, to my knowledge, been portrayed by Tony Perkins) who will turn out to be a great honking disappointment, and the latest Point Guard Messiah, who looks suspiciously like the last True Point Guard Messiah, known secularly as The Alien Steve Blake, except perhaps slightly less skinny. The haircut, the ears, and the hype are about the same.

This team will lose a shitload of basketball games, because they're still poisoned with negative energy left behind by that douchebag John Gilchrist, who will forever remain The Worst Recruit Evar. The point guard isn't a point guard, and blew out his ACL eating pancakes for breakfast at noon an hour ago anyway, the vaunted shooting guard is a doofus, although he has clearly taken steps to rectify his hair-centeredness, our big boy is all elbows, and our new bruiser is, seriously, named Bam-Bam Osby. But the unadulterated point is the very first bit in this paragraph:

This team will lose a shitload of basketball games.

Far more exciting is our women's team. By which I mean this:

The 2006 National Champion Maryland Terrapins

Yeah, that's right. The Defending National Champions have lost precisely nothing, and they've added a couple of transfers. Most of what they haven't lost is...uhm, okay, most of what they haven't lost, by weight, is Jade Perry. But most of what they haven't lost in playing terms is the most outstanding young person on this planet, Christie Tolliver, the point guard and Jedi Assassin. This girl is a fucking killer, a stone-cold murderer who don't take no shit off no punks from blue schools. If you are a representative of a blue school, Christie Tolliver will eat your fucking punkass kidneys while your heart's still beating and still have fresh breath and a lovely smile, without having to brush her teeth. Christie Tolliver will cut out your brain stem and still go to Heaven. Christie Tolliver's shit don't stink. I am not being the tiniest bit sarcastic, and if you think I am, Christie Tolliver will come kill you while you fucking sleep but wake you up just long enough so's you know you're daid, you Dookie bitch.

Yessir, we likes us some Christie Tolliver. In fact, we likes us the whole Maryland womens' team, way the fuck more than we likes our mens' team. Come to think of it, we don't like our mens' team very much at all, although that's a condition that can easily be cured with three or four well-placed victories over blue schools.

We have yet another team of Defending National Champions, that being our mens' soccer team. Sadly, they just got punked by Jesuits, at home. Stay tuned--the ACC tournament is yet to come--but I suggest that homies of a certain northeastern institution that doesn't belong in our athletic conference protect their kidneys real good for a while.


Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention that none of the three teams that you mentioned is coached by Ralph Friedgen or ... you know ... Jefe.

On a side note, what do you think of Christie Tolliver. (I'd tell you that she spells her name wrong, but you might come to my house and kill me. Maybe I should be Anonymous.)

Landru said...

You ARE anonymous, TechNoir.

Dweeze said...

That's the value of having a head coach born within 25 miles of where I was born. More teams need to recognize that.

whispers said...

Girls' hoops? I seem to recall a few years back when I was extolling the virtues of the Lady Huskies (aka the Husky Bitches) that you turned your nose up at girls' hoops.

So things change when your team is good, eh?