(Updated! Scroll down. Or read the post, then scroll down.)
But I made you wait anyway. It's the first of two consecutive national holidays--on my planet, anyway--my two favorite days of the year, when I pretend that guessing the outcomes of more than 50 percent of a collection of basketball games is a good thing. Welcome to Minions' NCAA tournament preview.
We're talking the men, of course. For the women, just take my Terps, shut up, and make sure that there is a clear path to your kidneys so that you do not waste any of Miss Christie Tolliver's valuable time.
This region belongs by rights to either Texas or the Fuckheels. Georgetown is sparklingly overrated (but likely to reach the regional final by virtue of weak opposition). Washington State is about as good a long-shot first-round upset bet as there is, as painful as it is to write "Oral Roberts" on your bracket sheet. The rest? Do not sparkle.
Early Upsets: Arkansas, Oral Roberts, Texas Tech
Can't Die Quickly Enough For Me: Michigan State, USC, George Washington, BC, Georgetown
Secret Minions East Region Fetish: Vanderbilt. I want Texas to win the region, but the notion of Vandy competing in the SEC just cracks me way the fuck up.
Winner: Texas. Tyler Hansborough is a big donkey pussy.
A wild region that the Fuckeyes of Ohio State cannot fail to win. When you write them down on your sheet, chant the following: "We love Fuckeyes, isn't that odd? We love Fuckeyes, we're taunting God."
Then doff your cap in the direction of Cincinnati, where Chief Fuckeye Gothmog is cursing my name.
Early Upsets: Xavier (technically), and maybe Long Beach State, although that's a hard one to feel great about.
Don't Discount: Louisville--Rick Pitino is a dirty bitch. Also, while I despise the Aggies to the very core of my being, I must admit that they are a dangerous team.
Can't Die Quickly Enough For Me: Texas A&M, OSU, Virginia, Louisville, Stanford
Secret Minions South Region Fetish: Penn. But let's be realistic here.
Winner: OSU, although the regional final against John Calipari's Memphis Tigers might be good for some fireworks. Especially if it's against the Aggies instead.
What a skankho of a region. I'm looking for Kansas to bite the big one pretty early, the first 1-seed to tank, quite possibly in the second round against Villanova or UK. This may actually be the most interesting region, despite the presence of UCLA.
O-ver-Ray-ted: Pitt. Way the fucking fuck overrated. Also: Saluki.
Early Upsets: Holy Cross over the Salukis. Nova over UK, but only as a technicality. And finally, the upset that dare not speak its name, because so many other fuckers are speaking it that it's jinxed to hell and gone. Don't say it! Seriously, shut the fuck up!
Don't Discount: VTech, as much as I hate to say it.
Can't Die Quickly Enough For Me: VTech. I mean, duh. Also: UCLA, Pitt, Puke, SIU, Illinois, and Kansas.
Secret Minions West Region Fetish: A quick obligatory wank in the direction of VCU, which is the one of Ilse's 946 almas mater from which she actually obtained a degree.
Winner: Tough one. I'm taking VTech--again, painful but something that strikes me as abundantly plausible in the ebb and flow of the universe.
Sure smells like Florida's region, doesn't it? Sadly, I must recuse myself from this one. Personal interest, refusal to taunt God, you understand. But here:
O-ver-Ray-ted: Butler. Also, Oregon, but that's way overshadowed by the moronic mid-major love that Butler's sucking up like a dry sponge. And finally, sadly: The University of Maryland. That ACC tournament loss to Miami put me right back squarely in the position of not really trusting my Terps all that much. I expect the Sweet Sixteen, but only because their subregion is soft.
Early Upsets: Not the one all you Terp-hating assholes are picking. ODU (the one of Ilse's 946 almas mater that she did not attend) over Butler. Tech over UNLV.
Don't Discount: Tech. They're mighty solid, and Paul Hewitt is a seriously sneaky fuck.
Can't Die Quickly Enough For Me: Florida, Arizona, Purdue, Butler, Notre Dame, Oregon, UNLV, and Tech.
Secret Minions Midwest Region Fetish: I don't think we can characterize this one as a secret.
Winner: Those wacky Badgers, in a regional final matchup that you are not expecting.
We love Fuckeyes, isn't that odd? We love Fuckeyes, we're taunting God.
In a marvelously boring rerun of the Big Ten tournament final, OSU gobsmacks those wacky, but slightly out of their element Badgers, once again. Or maybe they do it to VTech, in the mother of all meteor games.
This concludes another Triumph of Emotion Over Science in Basketball Writing. Enjoy the holiday weekend.
Update Update Update: One quarter of the way through the first round, Minions stands at Oh For Three on upset picks, primarily because there have been no upsets (!) as yet. I can make an argument for One For Four, because I was right that Davidson wouldn't upset Maryland; but it's a pretty shitty argument. It's 6:09 PM Eastern, GWU is going down hard (My Local Locality Basketball Principle Number One: Teams Named George Suck Turkish Sailors' Bottoms for Nickels and Like It), and Minions will manfully take its 5-3 record for the first set and settle in to scrounge through leftovers and watch whatever My Local CBS Affiliate dishes up.
Oh, and thanks, commenter Purple, for letting us know, here, on the fucking Internets, that your parents had sex in Blacksburg and that you may or may not have been the result. We will look forward to the next installment in your ongoing series, "Places Where My Parents Have Shagged." Dood, I don't even know your parents and I'm devastatingly creeped out by the thought of them bumping uglies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go Photoshop some fake porn of the She-Nurse of the SS and John the Daftist and post it on your fucking Web site.