Good morning, this is your Monday morning news roundup from YAMM. Our top headline: YAMM's local locality sucks ass. Joining us to comment is local locality expert Landru. Good morning, Landru.
Landru: Fuck you.
YAMM: What's going on in Our Local Locality?
Landru: Air. Gigantic fucking shitloads of air. Moving very fast.
YAMM: Should we be concerned?
Landru: Only if you like going places, doing things, staying dry, and not getting blown off of the sidewalk into the big cats cage at the National Zoo.
YAMM: What's traffic like?
Landru: If there's a road you want to drive on, there's a giant fucking tree and a spaghetti bowl of live wires down across it.
YAMM: We heard about the one at River Road.
Landru: So did I, since that's like my A-Number-One way to get to work without encountering too many douchebags, which is really saying something since River Road's alternative name is Douchebag Boulevard.
YAMM: So what happened?
Landru: You're fucking deaf, right? A giant fucking tree fell on the road and brought down a spaghetti bowl of live wires with it. The county called the phone company to fix it at 2 in the morning, but the phone company says it didn't hear anything until My Local Pack News Up Your Ass Until You Want To Die radio station called them at 8 AM. Now, the phone company is making sure the county knows how to call it. That's how to call the fucking phone company, in case you lost the thread there, and who the fuck could blame you for that?
YAMM: You're making that up, right?
Landru: No. Seriously.
YAMM: Say, isn't it kind of silly that we're interviewing you, since you're writing this?
Landru: Just shut up and play along, would you?
YAMM: Would you mind if we kissed you?
Landru: Okay, for one thing, you just outright stole that from Big Daddy Drew. And for another, think about that for a fucking second, would you?
YAMM: What else is happening as a result of the weather?
Landru: The pussies in Fairfax County are closing schools three hours early because they're worried that their trailer park classrooms are going to blow away. The entire state of West Virginia is under nine feet of water and is going to be innundated when the dam holding back the Mud River goes away. My wife's brand-new Mary Tyler Moore hairdo is gonna look like a JBF, and I'm not going to have had the pleasure of making it look that way.
YAMM: You're making all that up.
Landru: No. No, I'm not. Seriously.
YAMM: Did traffic cause you to miss out on your quad venti mocha this morning?
Landru: I had to go to a different Starbucks.
YAMM: One with hot baristas?
Landru: Fuck no. All the downcounty Starbucks have sullen lesbian baristas.
YAMM: Do you know any Starbucks with hot baristas?
Landru: There's one I'd hit at the Starbucks at my grocery store. If, y'know, Ilse were dumb enough to turn her back for four seconds.
Landru: Are you fucking deaf? Ilse turn her back for four seconds? You saying my wife is fucking stupid?
YAMM: No. Please put down that brick. What else did you hear on the radio that annoyed you?
Landru: It's a holiday in DC and they're having a voting rights march.
YAMM: Why would that annoy you? You support DC voting rights.
Landru: Not enough to want thousands of people who have a day off when I don't to fucking block Pennsylvania Avenue long enough for them to mill around Freedom Plaza whining about it.
YAMM: Aren't you usually off Mondays?
Landru: Yes, I'm a fucking consultant, it's not like I'm accustomed to working for a living.
YAMM: So what happened?
Landru: Ilse may not be stupid, but apparently I am.
YAMM: What's the most annoying thing you heard on the radio this morning?
Landru: That would be a dead heat between the story about Paul Wolfowitz and his mannish girlfriend, the story about a wifebeating drug addict wearing number 42 for the Nationals' tribute to Jackie Robinson today, and the word "tofu."
YAMM: How often do you touch yourself?
Landru: Whenever I think about you. Uhm...I mean, what? I told you to quit ripping off BDD.
YAMM: Did you like The Sopranos last night?
Landru: Yes, I love it when they spend an hour humanizing assholes like Johnny Sack. I thought that was very well done.
YAMM: What's the over/under for the death of Christopher Moltisanti next Sunday?
Landru: 21 minutes, but I'm taking the over, at 38 minutes.
YAMM: Any special messages for your friends?
Landru: I fucking told you months ago that the 3-5-2 was stupid and United couldn't play defense to save its mother from loan sharks.
YAMM: Anything else you need to tell us?
Landru: I feel fat. And go home and stay the fuck off of Connecticut Avenue between Bouffant Circle and the Beltway for the rest of the day, you fucking morons.
YAMM: Thank you, Landru. This has been your YAMM Morning News Roundup.
Landru: Whatever. Fuck you.
6 hours ago