Saturday, June 18, 2011

Revivified and Live RSL-DCU Blogging

So I should've been liveblogging from the start, because BFF said so. And because he's asleep in Leeds or Staines or Ticks or West Bumwipe or some other shitstain of a place in England, which is essentially one giant shitstain except for London. So here's a little recreation of the first half, followed by second-half liveblogging.

Preview: DCU is missing Black Dogred. Dogred is a passionate gamer with no tactical sense. His replacement, Landru, has far better tactical understanding but is crippled by a seething hatred of all other teams and all MLS referees. RSL is missing a bunch of guys from Central America who still give a shit about the Gold Cup, unlike...uhm, several of us who are attending a quarterfinal doubleheader tomorrow.

1st Half: DCU plays okay for 20 minutes, then sucks. Terry Fucking Vaughn loses control of the game by the 15th minute. From about the 25th to 40th minute, RSL looked more likely, but only scored on a PK after Clyde Simms got his arm in the way of a ball in the box. It was cheesy, but it was the correct call, one DCU should've benefitted from no fewer than three times against San Jose, when the mongoloid Andrew Chapin decided that handballs in the box were discretionary calls. Sadly, it was the only thing Vaughn got right in the half, as he allowed Collen Warner to deliberately kick Bull Hamid in the head, and allowing Kyle Beckerman, who still looks fucking ridiculous, to physically hurl Josh Wolff into Nick Rimando on a long throw-in, resulting in a foul on...Wolff. I shit you not. Also: Vaughn allows Chris Wingert to leg-whip Andy Najar in the corner. There will be blood.

Halftime: In the halftime interview, Jed Zayner actually says "We have to work our balls off here. Oh, I'm sorry, I said 'balls.'" I shit you not.

Halftime Sub: McCarty for Simms. Abandon hope.

Early Second Half (sorry, I was catching up): Terry Fucking Vaughn allows Jean Alexandre to come in studs-up on Jed Zayner. Fortunately, Zayner, who has taken one in the nuts already this game, gets up after some rolling around. There will be blood.

50': Pontius blasts one off the bar from 25 yards. Nice shot.

58': Dax McCarty has no business being on a futbol field. RSL is threatening.

59': Alexandre and Espindola both gangraped, Espindola about 30 yards out and Alexandre in the penalty arc. While both deserved it, both were fouls, no calls.

60': Perry Kitchen saves the day, despite looking like a Cardassian (his joke).

61': Najar lays a free kick right on Wolff's head 8 yards out. The Reverend Nick snuffs it easily.

62': Davies for Wolff. I still don't get why Saint Benny won't play them together.

65': RSL threatening again; bitches mightily as Vaughn and ARs fuck up and give us a goal kick.

66': Brettschneider carded after Beltran dives. First card of the game. As usual, it's the 15th thing Vaughn should've carded, and it's horseshit. Vaughn is a complete fucking retard.

66': Will Johnson for Collen Warner. Johnson is, like all Canadians with the exception of Dejan Jakovic, a pussy. Jakovic would be a pussy if he weren't a criminal.

68': It is possible that, like me, you thought that Ned Grabavoy had long since been boiled down into glue. Like me, you thought wrong; he just touched the ball in this game.

69': Stephen King breaks through on an actual well-place through-ball from NoDax. Sadly, Reverend Nick gets to the ball first.

70': Will Johnson trips Pontius to win the ball. No call.

71': Long ball for Davies. No one home.

72': Bowtie cautions that Saint Benny better not use his last sub right now, with the team down 0-1. Bowtie is often a better person when he shuts the fuck up.

73': Vaughn calls Zayner for a foul 6-7 yards to the right of the box after Alexandre dives piteously. McCarty clears the free kick after a scrum in the 6-box.

74': I swear, Vaughn calculates every fucking puff on his whistle. Beltran destroys Pontius, clearly and immediately dispossessing him; Vaughn waits four seconds, then toots. Asshole.

77': Dumbass quickpassing to no effect. Blind pass into touch, RSL throw.

78': Fred for King. Bowtie applauds. WTF?

78': Will you dumbfucks look before you pass? That's the second blind pass into touch in a minute.

80': Again with the delayed whistle, this time on a foul  that wasn't. RSL is seriously dragging ass here.

81': Andy Williams: see Ned Grabavoy @ 68'.

82': Uhm, Terry Fucking Vaughn? I know Nick Rimando is venerable and all that. But count to fucking six, would you, you fucking inept cocksucking dickface?

83': Arthur Aghasayan (Movsisyan's cousin, apparently) for Fabian Espindola.

83': Davies breaks away and dives like Italy. Penalty. Oh my God, on the replay....holy shit, that was an incredibly lame fucking dive, I mean that may have been a red card dive, not that there's any such thing. Jeebus, that was awful.

85': Davies scores the penalty. Rimando guessed correctly and almost got a hand on it, but Davies placed it nicely. Holy crap, that was a dreadful fucking dive.

85': Robbie Russell for Chris Wingert, who was so nauseated by that dive that he doubled over and demanded to be subbed.

86': RSL crowd outraged. I gotta say that the outcome so far is just--Bowtie is equivocating madly, though the Simms call was correct and the Davies call was horrible--but on balance, neither team has earned anything but a jail term here.

87': Beckerman spite-kicks the ball into the DCU bench. No card. Seriously, do MLS refs have any fucking idea about the laws of the game? I contend that they do not.

88': Of the 8 goals scored on RSL this season, 5 have come in the last 15 minutes of games. Bowtie is Dutchdicking that into my ears every 30 seconds, I thought you should hear it too.

90': Najar takes a throw-in deep in RSL territory; Kitchen took an earlier one (the Wolff foul for being tackled by The Asshole Kyle Beckerman). I think we're playing for a point.

92': Olave deliberately knocks down Brettschneider at the edge of the box. He should be gone. Brettschneider is writhing on the ground clutching his shoulder. Olave is a piece of shit who should be cockpunched.

93': Najar kick from left of box to a wide-open Pontius...who drills the fucking crossbar. Holy shit.

94': Final whistle. Ugly bullshit game between a bad team and a fucking pack of criminals. 1-1 is a fair court.

Postgame: OMFG Julie Donaldson is a fucking cow. Dood, she outweighs Chick Hernandez. Bring back Lisa Hillary.

Post CSN Tease: The fucking VW commercial again. Die.

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