Corrections

Minions tries ever so hard to be a responsible purveyor of information and analysis. Like any provider, we of course make the occasional mistake, which we're quite certain we deeply regret. We gather from all manner of places the news that we transmit to you, and in the journalistic arena, we're only as good as our sources. This sometimes necessitates some corrections.

Yesterday, we reported that Sean Hannity sucks sailors' cocks because he enjoys the taste of syphillis. What we meant to say was that Sean Hannity rapes children because he believes that intercourse with virgins will cure his syphilis. While Minions comes from an Army family, we nonetheless regret, in all likelihood, this error, and do apologize to the United States Navy, just this once.

We also reported that Matt Drudge requires 40 "midgets" to jizz in his hat each morning. This was an editorial error caused by our failure to sanitize the information we received; we meant to say, of course, that Mr. Drudge procures the ejaculate of some 40 persons of extremely diminutive physical stature to prepare his hat for the day's labours. We also neglected to report that he milks these shorter persons with his own lithe fingers. We're really quite sure that we regret this emission. Omission. Whatever.

Finally, we reported that Edward Klein was fired from the Times for killing a transvestite hooker in that institution's august cafeteria. We meant no offense with our selection of the word "hooker"; we have nothing but the greatest respect for this great Nation's transgendered sex workers and apologize to them sincerely.

We are investigating separately allegations that Mr. Klein murdered the prostitute in a broom closet, and will, if necessary, issue a revised correction.