News for the Squeamish

I was talking yesterday with a good friend, a fellow blogger and apparent fan of my timid efforts to entertain a limited and clearly troubled audience. I mean, by the way, that the size of that audience is limited, not that its quality is limited, so get your panties untwisted from your sandy little vagina, there, Mister or Miz Offense-Quibbler.

Wow, this is off to a bad start. Let's try again.

I was talking yesterday with a good friend, a fellow blogger, who suggested that it was possible that some readers might perceive Minions as "rude." I was quite startled by this revelation, implying obliquely as it does that, while it's rude for me to suggest (in tones best termed, legally, as "a work of satire") that Sean Hannity is an amoral, lying, sexual deviate who has harnessed his intelligence for purposes purely and deliberately evil, it is not rude for President Bush to start a foreign war for the purpose of deposing a sovereign government (however loathsome that sovereign government might truly be) and lie to the electorate about his reasons for doing so.

This, of course, poses a moral dilemma of astonishing complexity, because the last thing I wish to do is hurt anyone's feelings, or offend another person to the point where they might feel some need to pluck out their own eyes. It could happen, you know.

In the spirit of conciliation I must introduce a new Minions feature that I will call News for the Squeamish. If you are uncomfortable with Minions' normal mode of reportorial savoir, this here is the post for you.

Puppies and Kittens Good For You, Study Finds

A rigorous scientific study by the Institute for Good Feelings (IGF) has validated something you should have already known: puppies and kittens help you live a longer and happier life! When you pet one of these adorable creatures, you are likely to lose weight, enjoy a more positive outlook on life, and be more respectful of God and your betters. IGF's next study will attempt to validate a theory, discovered during this study, that vivisection of poor people without anesthesia will provide similar benefits.

All Wrong About the War

The White House (www.whitehouse.org) admitted today that the American people have it all wrong about the war in Iraq. "Our polling shows that the war is good," said Assistant Deputy Underspokesphib Toad McSpittle. "We are so embarrassed. I mean, we've been all defensive about the whole invasion thing, and it turns out there was no need for that! It's all just a big misunderstanding, so, uhm, from now on we're just going to keep doing what we're doing until we feel like stopping. Don't we all feel so silly about this?" A spokesperson for The American People bowed her head in shame and spat on her own toes.


DeLay Pardoned

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has invoked his constitutional powers as third in the line of succession to the Presidency and pardoned House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. The pardon did not specify what Hastert was pardoning DeLay for; Hastert noted that this was because DeLay "didn't do anything."


This concludes our first edition of "News for the Squeamish." I will report more news to you as it becomes available.