Tim Noah: Lying Motherfucker

I gave up on Slate a while ago. Sure, it has Doonesbury. And the incomparable and the always-correct Dahlia Lithwick. It also has a Coulter-fucker and a pedant who pretends to know his ass from his elbow while espousing intelligent design in the middle of his formulaic ravings about the NFL (no link there--you can find it yourself).

It also has Tim Noah, Lying Motherfucker:

President Bush's commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's 30-month prison sentence will likely prompt many people with politics similar to my own to cry bloody murder.

Not unless you're lying about your politics. Which you are, although you've concealed it well until right about now.

What Bush did was just and fair. It was the right thing to do.

No, you Lying Motherfucker. It was an act of contempt for the rule of law and the law itself. No one with any claim on rationality could claim that this was just, fair, or right. You're in a tailspin, Tim.

I don't take lightly the fact that Libby lied to federal prosecutors about his role in unmasking Valerie Plame as a covert CIA employee.

Clearly, Tim, you are a Lying Motherfucker, because you do, in fact, take it lightly, as evidenced by your entire essay.

But Judge Reggie Walton went overboard in sentencing Libby to 30 months. This was about twice as long as the prison term recommended by the court's probation office, and if Libby hadn't been a high-ranking government official, there's a decent chance he would have gotten off with probation, a stiff fine, and likely disbarment.

Y'know, Tim, you Lying Motherfucker, there'd better be some material upcoming about how often judges have gone overboard in imposing cripplingly long sentences on lesser felons. Of, say, different shades than this tightass whitey bitch. Or I might start to think you don't care so much for brown people. In addition to your lies about your politics.

The voluminous pleas for leniency from Libby's A-list friends seem to have annoyed Walton, who erred on the side of severity not in spite of Libby's high position in government but because of it. Walton wanted to make an example of him.

Yes, that's part of the point of prosecuting government officials, dickweed. You're quickly closing in on babbling, you Lying Motherfucker.

What's the matter with that? Two words: Bill Clinton. No fair-minded person can deny that the previous president committed perjury about Monica Lewinsky while serving in the Oval Office. The country knew it, and it let him get away with it.

Oh. Bill Clinton's blowjob caused you to change your mind about Chappaquiddick.* Got it. Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker. One has nothing to do with the other, as you know perfectly well. One involved blowjobs. The other involved outing a covert intelligence agent, as you yourself admitted when you started penning this pack of foma. Shut up, you Lying Motherfucker.

Bush did not intervene to spare Libby further disgrace, as Ford did with the Nixon pardon, and he didn't pre-empt a prosecution that might reveal embarrassing facts about himself, as Bush's father did. He waited until it was all over, and he acted humanely.

No, Tim, you Lying Motherfucker, he didn't. He commuted the sentence well before it was over, and in a way that allowed Scooter to prevent himself from incriminating his superiors, although it is eminently plausible that those incriminateable superiors did not include Bush himself. You're really not all that bright, are you, Tim? You Lying Motherfucker?

Shut up, Tim Noah, you Lying Motherfucker.

* This phrase the intellectual property of Lawyers, Guns, and Money and used utterly without LGM's permission.

This has been another edition of Shut Up, You Lying Motherfucker.