Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Beat the Victim

So you know that I watch television sometimes. Not much, but as you can see from the sidebar links, there are a couple of things in addition to South Park and Drawn Together and the entire body of Jon Stewart's work and various non-baseball, non-NASCAR sports that appeal to me. At least one of you does not understand my fascination with Survivor and The Not-At-All-Amazing Not-Really-So-Much-A-Race, and he's gotten over that every bit as much as I've gotten over his fascination with Derridà and other smart-people stuff. All that aside, despite the many hours I spend slaving over Minions for you, I do on occasion vegetate in front of my television for a spell. I mean other than by playing NCAA Football 2006 on my PS2 and making the Terps undefeated for 30-40 game years at a time.

All of which is probably an unduly long introduction to today's topic, the Weaver family. As those of you addicted to TNAAANRSMAR know, the Weaver family is an obnoxious little band of snotty hypocrites from some part of Florida notorious for producing crunchy bits of crackerassedy goodness. They storm about the world country making noxious remarks about the other contestants, complaining when the other contestants retaliate in kind, and making much of their personal relationship with Jesus, emitting prayers like, "Dear Lord, please help me know which hand to wipe my ass with, in Jesus' name we beg you, Amen," and "Dear Lord, please smite the outboard motor of the boat those God-hating Gaghans are riding in that we might consign them and their harmless and adorable 8-year-old to the fiery Hell they deserve, in Jesus name we beg you, Amen." Then they tell us what fabulously fine Christians they are.

"The other teams hate us because we're different," they whinge.

No. The other teams hate you because you're assholes. You apparently come from some branch of Christianity, or some other cultural tradition, that makes it okay for you to dump basic civility in dealing with your peers in a given social situation. You call people names, then whine when they throw names back. You ceaselessly invoke the tragedy of your late husband/father's senseless death (and it was, too be sure, a senseless death, as the poor man was run over on the racetrack at Daytona) and insult those who try to give you any kind of comfort in its wake.

You are, in fact, flaming assholes mostly unworthy of being human beings. You forfeit that privilege with your every word.

This reached new heights on last night's episode of TNAAANRSMAR, when upon reaching the finish line, one of the simpering Weaver children complained to Phil that the other teams were mean to them because they were the only contestants in the race "trying to live Christian lives."

Let's review:

1) No. They're mean to you because you're mean to them, and because you are flaming fucking assholes, consistently and without relent. That you make a giant pretense of your Christianity is certainly not helpful, and probably contributes to the absolutely correct perception that you are unconscionable hypocrites. But no one's being mean to you because you're a Christian.

2) Your assumption that the remaining contestants are not attempting to live Christian lives is a base and arrogant insult, one for which you should be bitchslapped repeatedly and venomously. Various Web sites testify to the notion that even many Christians wish that you would shut the fucking fuck up and, at a minimum, lose the "race" right fucking now, so vile and base are you as representatives of what Christians are or ought to be.

3) You wanna be victims? I'll be happy to personally nail your asses to crosses alongside some highway, preferably in a desert populated by buzzards that won't wait until you're deceased before they decide to make a meal of your whinging, lying, hypocritical, downright mean asses.

The same goes for anyone else in this country claiming to be victimized by their Christianity. Something like 80 percent of Americans self-identify as Christians. Sound like an oppressed minority to you? Not if you're at all connected to reality, it doesn't. But if you continue to insist, I'll be happy to start making crosses and stocking up on nails.

7 comments:

dogma-N said...

Dammit, Jim, the introduction of scientific exigencies and the taste for exactitude into ordinary phonetic writing must be avoided. In this case, rationality would bring death, desolation, and monstrousness. That is why common orthography must be kept away from the notations of the linguist and the multiplying of diacritical signs must be avoided.

Geggy said...

I think you misuderstand the Weavers. Prolly because you're...well, you know who.

You see, for the Weavers, "Christian" is code. The meaning of which is not completely clear, but I am quite sure that their idea of "Christian" does not include Catholics, Episcopalians, or Unitarians. I am also pretty sure that their idea of "Christian" only includes whatever ignorant, cracker, home schooling (and witness the brilliance in education being provided by Mama Weaver, especially in geography), cousin-marrying denomination to which they belong. I'm pretty sure it's so far from the mainstream that the snake handlers in the hills of West Virginia would recoil from such ignorance.

So we must have compassion for the Weavers. I am not the afficianado of TAR that I am of Survivor. But I will venture to say that the edit job these scum are getting would mean some really cool divine retribution is on the way for the Weavers. At least it would be if this was an EPMB production.

TechNoir said...

Let me start by mentioning that I'm all in favor of multiplying the diacritical signs.

That said, (and given the knowledge that I'll gladly contribute to the nail fund, right down to providing silver nails if that would be helpful) the only appropriate outcome -- the only Christian outcome -- would have been for Mama Weaver to get run over by a go-cart and die a firey death in front of her children. Anything else? The work of ... that other guy.

augie said...

The only thing I can say is:

"Yeah, what Landru said"

The Weavers are repugnant.

Wheeze said...

I have a near-quibble with point number one, or, rather, an expoundtion upon it, if it be your will, oh Heimlich.

In that "no one's being mean to you because you're a Christian" I will agree, however their Christian-speak is so intertwined with their attitude that it would be difficult to say that if they never mentioned Christ but still acted the same way, would we criticise them as much? It is because of the Christ-speak that we find them so hypocritical, is it not? Because we all know that he nice, the Jesus. And the Jesus doesn't like gambling on Sunday. Ah, but I digress. If the Weavers were simply ill-socialled, snotty, rude and offensive, we might not hate them quite so much--they might even resemble a lower form of Romber. Though if they replaced the Christian references with, say, Hinduism, we'd just think they were crazynuts because in general, the Hindu don't behave that way. Nor do just about any other religious group I can think of right off hand. 'Tis the hypocritical voiciferous Christians who are so commonplace that causes the scorn. So, in my something-approaching-a-quibble, I am simply saying it's difficult to separate the Christian from the Weavers and their stereotypical behavior, since the holier-than-thou attitude directly relates to the Holy One they claim to serve.

Which is all very distressing, I might add.

moon said...

*standing ovation*

Perfect!

PurpleState said...

So, umm, are these here blogging thingies just circle jerks for like-minded individuals, or is there ever any real effort at advancing some sort of understanding of teh differences between people who all want good things -- wildly different things, but that would be the point of intelligent debate, nu? -- for amurica?

Not that there's anything wrong with that circle jerk thing.

Color me . . . PurpleState