So I think we should return to the safe place to which we usually retreat during these difficult times of stress, turmoil, and opinionation, and I present to you another edition of:
News for the Squeamish
The holidays are coming up, and you know what that means! Yes, the Brown People are going to gaily wrap themselves in bombs and ammunition belts and try to disrupt the sacrament of your holiday shopping! It's uncomfortable that these killjoys want to blacken the spirit of Christmas and deny your right to worship the Baby Jesus by purchasing the Laura Ingraham Barbie for your precious Snookums, but we all have a responsibility to remain alert to protect the Homeland! Some tips:
-Carry your shotgun to the mall when you go out to do your holiday shopping. The Second Amendment guarantees that, if you're carrying a firearm, you are a member of the militia.
-If you see Brown People, open fire. The Fourth Amendment restricts their right to search you and seize your hard-earned holiday bounty!
-Sneak up on Brown People who look larger than normal people. They're probably wearing bombs under their coats. Make each shot count!
-Don't donate to Toys for Tots and similar terrorist organizations. Studies have shown that, when given any toy, a poor child will always pretend it is a gun.
War Is Peace
A rigorous scientific study by the Krovecheni School of Government has proved that war is peace! By making war in countries that promote non-Americanism, we actually make the world a more peaceful place! Support Our Troops by supporting our wars! I mean, our peace!
Bad People Are Bad
A recent Fox News poll showed that, by an overwhelming margin, the American People believe that bad people are bad. Significantly, bad people enjoyed more support among less American Persons. The proportion of Brown People who believed that bad people were not bad was close to 100 percent.
This concludes our latest presentation of News for the Squeamish. More news when it becomes available.