Tuesday, November 15, 2005

More News for the Squeamish

Every so often, it comes to the attention of the Minions editorial staff me--sorry, I forgot about that whole referring-to-oneself-in-the-third-person thing--that we are I am--sorry, really--just so darned rude that I should just crawl under a rock and assuage my bitter, horrible, unreasonable, partisan anger with some milk and cookies. And that perhaps I'll be better able to hugandkiss unabashed fascists, just like Jesus wants me to do, once I've done that. This is, of course, absolutely and incontrovertibly true, an unassailable position that cannot be dug out from its fortress of mighteousness.

So I think we should return to the safe place to which we usually retreat during these difficult times of stress, turmoil, and opinionation, and I present to you another edition of:

News for the Squeamish

Terror Alert

The holidays are coming up, and you know what that means! Yes, the Brown People are going to gaily wrap themselves in bombs and ammunition belts and try to disrupt the sacrament of your holiday shopping! It's uncomfortable that these killjoys want to blacken the spirit of Christmas and deny your right to worship the Baby Jesus by purchasing the Laura Ingraham Barbie for your precious Snookums, but we all have a responsibility to remain alert to protect the Homeland! Some tips:

-Carry your shotgun to the mall when you go out to do your holiday shopping. The Second Amendment guarantees that, if you're carrying a firearm, you are a member of the militia.

-If you see Brown People, open fire. The Fourth Amendment restricts their right to search you and seize your hard-earned holiday bounty!

-Sneak up on Brown People who look larger than normal people. They're probably wearing bombs under their coats. Make each shot count!

-Don't donate to Toys for Tots and similar terrorist organizations. Studies have shown that, when given any toy, a poor child will always pretend it is a gun.

War Is Peace

A rigorous scientific study by the Krovecheni School of Government has proved that war is peace! By making war in countries that promote non-Americanism, we actually make the world a more peaceful place! Support Our Troops by supporting our wars! I mean, our peace!

Bad People Are Bad

A recent Fox News poll showed that, by an overwhelming margin, the American People believe that bad people are bad. Significantly, bad people enjoyed more support among less American Persons. The proportion of Brown People who believed that bad people were not bad was close to 100 percent.

This concludes our latest presentation of News for the Squeamish. More news when it becomes available.


TechNoir said...

brown people blacken ??

Purplestate said...

Getting a bit squeamish, are we? Well, that has been known to happen. I'm sure it will pass.

Technoir: Sorry for being so wrong. I can't help it, I'm just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. That's me.

But back to the topic at hand. Everyone knows that Shotguns are dangerous! Too much spread. What you want is a really nice handgun, something that isn't too hard to exercize your constitutionally protected right to carry and use when you see someone in the act of commiting a crime. Like being Brown at teh mall. As if the brown people are there for any other reason than to terrorize us God-fearing Amurikkkans!

So, hey, what's up with the term "brown people"? Is this supposed to be inclusive of all non-whites, because if so you are clearly leaving out some of our little yellow brothers, not to mention the slightly larger red ones. Or are those colors ok for the moment? I didn't get the most recent terror alert that tells us what color of people to be afraid of this week.

Tnks 4 teh luv, ura rxxtr!

TechNoir said...

The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem.

Wheeze said...

dood, did you write these? You funny.

ginger said...

What about people who are periodically beige? Or people who are a whiter shade than pale but really really annoy you anyway? Please advise.

maryanne said...