Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Bad News

So I've been lazy about this for a couple of weeks. Work, life, holidays, demonic possession, and imaginary fuzzy bunnies dripping blood from their giant fangs have all conspired to keep me from doing anything about Minions since whenever I last posted. This is troubling, because I am, of course, your monkey. But it's also liberating to not worry about it for a while.

Part of the issue is that it's harder for me to do anything about Minions when I have nothing to do. The beauty of it has always been that it's easier for me to write than to work. When work does not present itself as an option--as has happened for most of the last two weeks--or when it presents itself as nonoptional, which has happened for a few days of the last two weeks, a lot of the naughty thrill of the thing is gone Daddy gone.

But today, I am compelled to share with you a bit of me. Many readers know that years of lifestyle abuse (smoking, lard, and recumbence) have not been kind to me; I had a little baby heart attack in November 2003. Reactions from friends and family ranged from "a warning like this is a gift from God" (various friends, paraphrased) to a complete lack of surprise (BdR) to "You dumbass" (my father, John the Daftist, of whom y'all don't hear much, because like any good misogynist/schizophrene, I blame Mom). My own reaction was something along the lines of, "Gosh, that didn't take long."

Many people believe that lifestyle change is, like Nazism, a triumph of the will. Bite me. Lifestyle change is the hardest thing in the world, and I have tremendous respect for those who embrace it and bring it to fruition. BdR, for instance, is a former smoker, a former meat-eater, a former largish person; his heart attack (three years before mine, thankyouverymuch) spurred him to great heights of lifestyle change that did not fundamentally alter his underlying being. He doesn't smoke, he eats no red meat and little other meat, and he has launched himself at the gym with all the fervor of the Wehrmacht invading Poland.

Lifestyle change is harder for me. I am addicted to nicotine, and food unflavored with bacon just plain bores me. I can't make any form of exercise stick, except for walking.

Mmm, exercise stick. Does it come in a beef jerky flavor?

So there's a point here...right. No lifestyle changes so far.

So I went for my annual cardiology workup yesterday. Last year's workup revealed a heart muscle damaged in only a very tiny way by my years of predation on my own system. Things were holding up quite nicely. Yesterday's workup? Not so much. The Heart of Satan gets a tad limp biscuity under stress, it appears. This is, for those of you not technically minded, not a good thing.

The point herein being that the reason I'm two weeks overdue is because I'm a pathetic little heart-diseased man, and only your sympathy can clear my left anterior coronary artery.

That and another roto-rooter, which I will be having done next week. Tain't no big deal, chirrens; one day, in and out, and I spend most of that day in a Demoral haze. Worry not your pretty little heads, and after this, I'll actually think about getting started on the first item in our Lifestyle Change Series.

19 comments:

Buggy said...

Oh shit!
That sucks!
You owe that fabulous woman to not die on her anytime soon, so like don't die.

Wuv you!

ginger said...

Torn between saying something sensible and emotional and offering to bring you fried pork rinds when they let you out.

You know, being forked at one end does not mean you get to be heartless. Take it just a tad easier, babe?

With the advent of Ilse, your heart is having a banner century so far. I'm sure it wishes to continue.

((HUGS)) - you reprobate, you.

Sasha said...

God I love demoral.

Which is first?

Sasha said...

Damn, I think I flunked sympathy. Did I make your widdle left artery hurt? I'm so sorry. Really. I didn't mean to. It was ... the siren call of demoral.

Supes said...

Why haven't they invented Drano for hearts yet?

To what address shall we send the Get Well Soon balloons?

Jolene said...

Good luck, dood. Hope everything goes okay. *hugs*

ilse said...

This'll make that "What I Did On My Christmas Vacation" paper SO much easier to write.

Wheeze said...

imaginary fuzzy bunnies dripping blood from their giant fangs? Who would entertain such a thought.

(um, just exactly how many lifestyle changes will we be making? I'm only signed up for one)

momma said...

Seems to me that Ilse's first duty after the wedding is to kick your ass.

Remember that old saying "Shape up or ship out?" Well, we don't really want you to ship out, so...umm...yeah.

That's as close to sympathy as I can get. Can I have an IV of Demoral, too?

jomama said...

Lifestyle change is harder for me. I am addicted to nicotine, and food unflavored with bacon just plain bores me. I can't make any form of exercise stick, except for walking.

Felt like I was looking in a mirror with that one.

gothmog said...

Save the demoral for the more significant lifestyle change three weeks from now.

And. Take care of yourself. Seriously.

Dweeze said...

You dumbass.

Course, my blood pressure yesterday was in ranges best reserved for Mensa IQs. So I'm probably next on the table. Then you can call me a dumbass. And pass the demoral. And wish me the best of luck. Cause I'm wishing you that, in addition to the snark.

Kimmah said...

Soooo, I read this line in the comments

Seems to me that Ilse's first duty after the wedding is to kick your ass.

as a suggestion that Ilse LICK your ass, which made me laugh out loud.

On a more serious note, I'm thinking of you and wishing you the most amazing Demerol haze ever to be followed by an easy transition into the life of boring food and treadmills.

Purplestate said...

I? I just wanted to observe that Duke seems to be having a banner year, basketball-wise.

Umm, no, really. They are! Calm down, calm down, jeez. I suggest in all seriousness that you and Ilse take up dancing. Its only mildly aerobic until you get good at it, and its something you can do together -- in public, and that will help.

As it happens, I know a good dance teacher . . .

augie said...

Take care of yourself, hon.

HistoryDetective said...

Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you. Well, you and the Linz boys, but in two completely different ways.

Swami said...

One of my sister's husbands (#3, I think) was given 6 months to live about 10 years ago. He didn't mess around with that lifestyle changing crap either, being a great fan of smokes and charred meat. He's still around and kicking, but his quality of life? Not so hot. Oxygen. Wheelchair. Diabetes.

Try for some changes, Landru. In so many ways that count you have the best heart. I want it around for a long time.

Schnookie said...

Hope you are doing well. You know, walking is a very good thing. That's a start.

Steven said...

If they made bacon flavored demoral...man you would really be in heaven. You can wipe the drool from your chin now.