Saturday, December 03, 2005

How The French Tried to Steal Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas, and all through the land
Good Christians were pulling their heads from the sand
The pagans were propagandizing with glee
To make Christmas entirely Jesus-free
But forces of righteousness sniffed out their plots
To poison the minds of teenagers and tots
With hopes for a secular holiday time
To blot out the memory of our Lord sublime
They oppressed the faithful and put them in camps
And upon their forearms they put little stamps
The mark of the devil, and symbols impure
It's hard to love Jesus, of that you be sure
They want to kill Christians, they're all filled with hate
How can they ask questions, why do they berate?

Y'know, I could go on with this for a while. The so-called War on Christmas is a load of hooey. It was originally rolled out about 50 years ago by the John Birch Society, and after it got the thorough golden shower it deserved back then, it went dormant for a while. Now, with the return to political power of a Christian majority that wants to claim it's being repressed, the myth is back.

To all Christians who want to enjoy a quiet Christmas without inflicting their religion upon me, I wish a happy and peaceful and blessed holiday season. And a merry Christmas, even.

To evangelizing, propagandizing Christians who claim to be repressed, I wish you an all-out holy war, coupled with my comfort that, if what you believe is true, you're such hypocritical liars that you're sure to burn forever in the Hell in which you so fervidly believe. But happy holidays anyway, you wretchedly dishonest cretins.


Sasha said...

I am mildly disappointed that you didn't finish your Clement Moore rip-off, enjoying it much I was. However I will personally be ripping off your greeting, with appropriate credit of course. I couldn't find a better way to express it.

Wheeze said...


Swami said...

*Whacks* Landru with one of those fancy, holiday candle holders and throws an extra reindeer loin on the grill.

Also? Please finish your Clement C. Moore parody because I can never get enough of those during the Christmas-I-mean-Holiday Season.

Under my Christmas-I-mean-Holiday tree I have a large Breyer bull instead of a nativity thing. Because Christmas-I-mean-the-Holidays may be a lot of bull but a lot of bull is an impressive thing.

I know this because my Breyer bull is anatomically correct.

ilse said...

I still find it incomprehensible that a plurality can claim they're being repressed because they are asked to be inclusive and respectful. Especially when one asks WWJD?

Jolene said...

See, I always thought the expression "Happy Holidays" was, at its most basic level, meant to indicate "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." To be efficient, you know? But of course, then they couldn't claim persecution, and where's the fun in that?

Landru said...

Yeah, yeah. Just give me the Jew gold, JOlene.

Swami said...

I always got Jew Gold in my Christmas stocking, in a little net bag. My mom was a very inclusive person. I just liked to peel & eat the stuff, and kind of missed the whole point of her exercise in diversity.

Kimmah said...

Clearly you hate the Baby Jesus and the Virgin. Can I have your presents?