Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Simplicity of It All

One of my clients is a non-profit, non-governmental organization called, for our purposes here, Save the World. These are the folks for whom I went to China (yes, I know, I haven't completed that assignment, and you're all dying to know whether Vivian really did give me a tug job). About 80 percent of Save the World is dedicated to work in other countries.

I used to be the finance officer for one little program, the program that sent me to Beijing. I worked with the guy who was the finance officer for all of Save the World's other Commie, poverty-loving programs. He left. I (a lowly consultant) am now the uber-finance-officer for all of Save the World's one-world stuff. Starting today.

This means that I have acquired two part-time administrative assistants, Molly and Amelia. Both are Earnest and Dynamic Young Things, each in Her Own Way. Neither should be an administrative assistant, but they're both young, and assistanting is their first job out of school. Molly's more cerebral, and Amelia's sort of an untermother type (but by no means un-smart).

Molly isn't around today, but Amelia accompanied me into the lair of my predecessor, Job, to see what needed doing. We don't get to keep the lair--we just get the headaches, so some salvage was necessary. Within 15 minutes, Amelia had, while I watched, mostly speechless, reduced Job's three years of packrattery into a pile of salvage-worthy paper about an inch high.

We likes us some Amelia.

Typical Amelia-Landru interaction:

Landru: What is this?

Amelia: Don't worry about it, you won't understand it, no, stop fidgeting, sign this, no, sign there, I told you not to think about it, this is important, look at it, no, actually read it, dumbass, and by the way, I'll have that quantum trans-wave particle defibrillator built by 11:22.

Landru: What?

15 Minutes Later: World Peace Is Our Fault. Landru wins Nobel Prize, forgets to mention Amelia, who thanks him anyway.


Swami said...

On reading this I first feared for The World. Thank goodness for the Amelias of this world. I think you should give her a 10 cent per hour raise and buy her a nice kiosk lunch. The little people need to feel appreciated.

(Oh. And congratulations.)

Dweeze said...

Do you need a personal assasin? I have references...

Jolene said...

I need a personal assassin, Dweeze.

Wait, is that someone who assassinates for you, or someone who assassinates you personally? Because if it's the latter, I might change my mind.

gothmog said...

Y'all know, don'tja, that "assassin" breaks down into Ass. Ass In.

Dweeze always struck me as an Ass Out kinda guy, myself. But I could be wrong.

And Landru? Personal assisstants who can build a quantum wave particle defibrillator are a dime a dozen these days. You need to get out more.

kl said...

Perhaps you could have your personal assassins sell tontines.

Dweeze said...

Kill you, kill for you. I'm good either way, Diamond. Though I would prefer to kill for you.