I am reminded by a good friend that I am far smarter than any of you. Let's review:
Seattle at Chicago:
"...the Bears win close in a relatively low-scoring affair."
"50 points overall would surprise me..."
Check. I forgot, of course, to allow for the possibility of overtime, the 8-percent increase in game length having yielded a 6-percent increase in overall points. I'll take this one as a clear win for Minions.
Iggles at Aints:
"...the Aints have the ugliest unis north, south, east, or west of Baltimore..."
Check. From our buoyant and deluded Patriots correspondent:
"By the way, I now understand what you meant about the Saints uniforms...Yeah, they're pretty bad."
If that's not a clear win, I don't know what is. Next:
"End of the line for the Iggles. The noise and mildew of the Superdome will stifle them, while the posterboy for dysfunctional filial relationships chews up their secondary and opens up the field for the ReggieBush."
Check. We're done with this one. Cynics will point out that I predicted a Saints blowout in a high-scoring game. Since not even I am evil enough to argue that 51 points overall is low-scoring in one case and high-scoring in another, I will simply maintain that my overall truthiness to words ratio far exceeds that of any televised NFL analyst.
Pats at Chargers:
My only saving grace came here:
"I will be surprised by nothing in this game."
Check. Thank God I covered my ass with that shite, although I was also fairly prescient with this:
"I wouldn't bet on this game if you gave me 20 fucking points."
"Third, there is the matter of Dreamboat and his propensity for sneaking up on your ass in the playoffs and knifing you in the fucking kidleys."
Check. And this:
"Marty Schottenheimer is a cranky old dessicant who couldn't win a playoff game if it was the only thing standing between him and a legacy. Oh, wait, that is the only thing standing between Marty and a legacy."
Check. And this:
"...Dreamboat is one seriously sneaky motherfucker..."
Check. Fuck you, I'm calling this one a win.
Colts at Ravens:
I couldn't have nailed this one better if I had a hammer, some nails, Jesus, and a cross.
"Peyton's gonna have a frustrating day, but that's not gonna give the O.G. Browns an offense. Indianapolis in a game that will be sort of close, but reasonably comfortable for them."
Check. Actually, I could have nailed it better without this:
"...the O.G. Brownies look like fat artists without berets..."
Sadly, the O.G. Browns came out in their purples, rather than their fat beatnik suits. This did not alleviate the suck for them. Or give them an offense.
Ipso ergo factotum, science roolz and I am a better person than you. Now hustle off to your television to watch yet another massively overhyped Peyton-Dreamboat matchup. In, y'know, five days.