Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Suck...The Suck

Now that the NFL regular season is over and another Redskins nightmare is in the can, it's time to play, "Who Needs To Be Unemployed?"

AFC East:

Miami: While Tony Soprano, or Steve Spurriano, or whatever the fuck the guy's name is, is a reprehensible thug, and the Phins suck donkey boners, I suppose he can keep his job for edging out the Patsies for an AFC East title.
New England: Hah! HAhahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But seriously, we kid because we love. It's just that we don't love Hoodie Check or the Patriots. That said, they did a lot more with a raw injury deal than anyone, including beloved friend and Pats fan Whispers, ever really thought they would. Of course it's not Hoodie Check's fault, and if he got fired, who would I hate on?
J-E-T-S: No. Eric Mangina, AKA Mike Ocho Pussy (h/t to Whispers, who coined this most appropriate nick one afternoon in the basement of Casa Satanica as we watched our fifth fucking Jets game in six weeks earlier this year), makes life worth living and, now you mention it, he's who I'd hate on if Hoodie Check was gone. But that doesn't mean I'm changing my mind.
Buffalo: Who the fuck cares? Buffalo is a sports sewer, the team is a pack of useless, and someone has to coach there. They're almost too pathetic to hate on. Of course, I said that about their hockey team, the only team in the NHL's Eastern Conference (other than the Caps) that I didn't hate, until I had to sit 12 rows above them the other night. Douchebags.

AFC North:

Who the fuck cares? Every team and coach in this division is either useless or fucking reprehensible. Kudos to the Deathbirds, I suppose--they have no business snagging a wild-card spot. Romeo Crennel is dead meat, and he deserves it, although I can't summon up a loogie's worth of feeling about that.

AFC South:

Titans: I think Jeff Fisher may be the best coach in the league. I really like the Titans, except for Kerry Collins. To be fair, it's hard to imagine that they'd have done this well had Vince Young not flaked out, though.
Colts: Ba'al, I hate Tony Dungy. Homophobe, Republican, dickhead. Fuck him to pieces.
Houston: Couldn't name their coach if you paid me. Useless franchise.
Jags: It's always a shame when the Jags don't pay off. Silky Gerard is fun, and Jack of the River is one of the finest coach names in all sports. Given the number of old guys they're carrying, he gets a pass by me.

AFC West:

Who the fuck cares? Shanahan is detestable, Herm Edwards needs to be roasted on the same spit as his pal Tony Dungy, and I have no idea who's minioning for Zombie Lord of the Universe Al Davis. There is one coach who stands alone: firing isn't good enough for Norv. It's a crime against humanity that teams keep hiring this fucktard. Wassup with that?

NFC West:

Seriously who the fuck cares? Whisenhunt is a douche--he mismanaged the Cardinals to a record two games worse than they might have gotten to otherwise. He's still not going anywhere, since they're in the postseason for the first time since I hated them in Saint Louis. Singletary is a douche, not least for publicly dissing mighty Terrapin Vernon Davis. Mike Holmgren ate Andy Reid ate Romeo Crennel, and he's talking about retiring anyway. And I couldn't tell you who's coaching the Rams, not least because I don't fucking care. Linehan's firing didn't abate the suck, I know that much.

NFC South:

Fox and whoever's running the Falcons (again, don't care, although I'll buy him whatever he wants for knocking the Girlz out of the playoffs) are fine, and safe. Gruden is a super maya maya douche, but he's not going anywhere. He'll just blame it all on his gay quarterback. Payton should probably be fired, but he's probably got another year to suck because he managed an NFC title game out of those wankers and the Saints had a lot of injuries this year.

NFC Central:

Minnesota: Ned Flanders must die. I've hated the Vikes since I was a kid, although not to Girlz/Pack/Buzzsaw/Eagles/Giants standards. That has nothing to do with it. Flanders is simply fucking inept. There's no way in hell the Vikings should've been struggling to win that division this year, not with their defense, Purple Jesus, and a couple of reasonably good receivers. And Flanders has no fucking clue how to call plays or manage a game. From a generalized fan perspective, the Vikings are one of the most frustrating teams in football right now, and it's almost all Flanders' fault (I operate on the assumption that Tarvaris Jackson is his fucking fault, too).
Chicago: Lovie Smith must die. The Bears hurt for receivers, but Rashied Davis and Devin Hester/whoever the fuck else they string wide aren't that big of a suck. Orton is a quality quarterback, the line isn't bad, Matt Forte was a great find, and the defense is as solid as any, most of the time. I conclude that Lovie Smith can't call plays to save his life, and that he couldn't win a division where his main competition was Ned Flanders is the final nail in his ineptly constructed coffin. I hate the Bears for atavistic reasons, and have been forced to accept them into my heart a little bit because of my wife's confusion over how many football teams she's allowed to call herself a fan of. There's no reason they should be that bad, except that Lovie Smith can't run an offense.
Green Bay: Mike McCarthy is a hateworthy figurehead for a hateworthy team.
Detroit: Who cares what corpse is running this club?

NFC East:

Giants: Scream scream scream. Coughlin isn't going anywhere, and shouldn't until Eli Manning is exposed as a fraud. The morale genocide of being a New York team will do it, in time; the cracks are showing. But Coughlin's also managed to stoke some quality talent to plaster over the cracks.
Iggles: I will be genuinely sorry if Andy Reid, who ate Mike Holmgren who ate Romeo Crennel, really retires. He's been a worthy adversary, and the relationship between him and Don McNabb is one of the great coach/QB stories in NFL history. I struggle to hate the Eagles, who represent the city of my birth, although I manage just fine, in the long run. It'll really be a shame if Reid goes away. Special thanks to the Iggles for pasting the Girlz today, for utterly assraping them in their own filth, laughing as they did it and posting the pics on a humiliation porn site. The only thing better than the Girlz losing is a 747 full of Steelers fans crashing into a Girlz-Pack game.
Girlz: Lard Tits is dead, and I sure hope that Crazy Jerry replaces him with smug bitch Jason Garrett, mostly so he can take the hit when people finally conclude that that choking pussy Tony Romo is a choking fucking pussy. I mean, anyone whose opinion is worth spit has already concluded that; I'd just like Troy Fucking Aikman, who should NEVER be allowed to work an NFC East game, and Joe Buck, who should be gibbeted on the Hall of Fame, to actually notice that Romo is a choking fucking pussy. Crazy Jerry would, objectively, be right to flame Lard Tits; while the Girlz' defense is a pack of whinging crackheads, they and the offense--holy SHIT, Felix Jones is a good ballcarrier, and I thought TO had the best hands in the league this year--should've been solid enough to salvage a playoff spot. Blame Fudgy the Coach. Or thank him, as I do.
Skins: I hate Zorn; he's Gibbs Lite, and I hated Gibbs. The only reason I don't want Zorn fired is that I'm afraid DannyBoy will dump a shitload of cash in the lap of a certain cocksucker who used to coach the Steelers. And if that happens? I'm outta here. Seriously. If the Skins hire Cowher, that revolting blob of dried Western Pennsylvania spooge, I will kneel down in public and proclaim, before Ba'al and everyone, my undying (until DannyBoy's gone) allegiance to the Philadelphia Fucking Eagles.

Oh yes I will.


Steven said...

If you swear allegiance to anything Phiily...especially the Phuckin' Iggles...I will taunt you as I make you wear Puke thongs while donning a Dean Smith halloween mask...yes I am going for the 2 for 1 special on that one.

Landru said...

Meh. Brave words from the NFL teamless.

It's okay, fellow kiltsman. I understand your pain.

GrizzlyPlaytoy4Rent said...

"Lard Tits is dead, and I sure hope that Crazy Jerry replaces him with smug bitch Jason Garrett, mostly so he can take the hit when people finally conclude that that choking pussy Tony Romo is a choking fucking pussy. I mean, anyone whose opinion is worth spit has already concluded that; I'd just like Troy Fucking Aikman, who should NEVER be allowed to work an NFC East game, and Joe Buck, who should be gibbeted on the Hall of Fame, to actually notice that Romo is a choking fucking pussy."

Wow, sounds like Satan's corn-cob pipe was packed to the rim with maximum-strength crack this year -- and he has already binged his way through it and is now combing through the carpets for dropped crumbs. Happy holidays, El Hater Grande!

Swami said...

You have hated all my teams since you were a little kid. Why is that? Although "fucking inept" is as good a description as any of the Vikes.

Sasha said...

I hate Zorn too but not as much as I hated Gibbs. And way less than I would hate Cowher and way less than I hate Norv (although the movie of you kneeling and pledging allegiance to the Iggles which you misspelled as Eagles would be worth a bit when I posted it on YouTube). At least we don't have that Jesus overlay on every damn thing.

Kudos for an excellent analysis. I just wish you offered more of them.

Gothmog said...

Did you know that "Zorn" in the Watership Down language of rabbits, means "destroyed" or "finished," as in an apocalyptic catastrophe? How suitable.

Lovie gets kudos for letting Mr. Man-juice spray his seed comfortably on the bench. The Bears would be in the playoffs if it weren't for their inability to hold a lead while kicking off with 11 seconds left. I'll give him a pass for one more year.

Landru said...

Swami, darling, I don't hate the Twinsies. And your hockey team wasn't even around when I was a kid. Sadly, though, you have me in that I did hate the Dallas Stars when they were the Minnesooota North Stars.

Purplestate said...

Ah, the sweet smell of hate. I DO so love it -- trenchant, biting, hate.

Cowers > Iggles, in terms of evil, eh? That, amigo, will be the day.


Kimmah said...

Jeff Fisher is the best coach in the NFL, no question. I'm not biased in the slightest. God knows, he's paid his dues at the altar of sucktitude the past few years. The fact they went undefeated as long as they did with no passing game to mention and Methuselah at QB indicates that they have strong fundamentals to carry them through...that and Chris Johnson/LenDale White. I'm hoping that Vince Young will quietly chose to go somewhere else--I think his hype was too great for his psyche and I have little faith that he will be able to deal with the pressure that will be heaped upon him when the old guy breaks a hip. Right now I'd feel better with Chris Sims waiting in the wings than Young. Perhaps that will change by next year, but Young will have to do a lot of maturing in the offseason.

On paper, there is no reason for the Girlz not to be in the playoffs, but IRL karma is a bitch and the decision to hire PacThug Jones is one that should keep biting Jerry Jones and Co. in the ass for awhile. The idea that all it was going to take was the firm hand of the wise Girlz leadership to help him end his errant ways was the height of arrogance and I laugh heartily every time I think of their wayward star getting arrested for fighting with his own handler. SERVES.THEM.RIGHT. Fisher was smart to cut bait on Jones and whatever it costs the Titans to keep that loser out of Tennessee won't be half what it is worth to team morale and character.

Pepe said...

I'm a Cowboys fan... and I'm pissed big time at the team. I'm pissed at Jerry Jones, the evil cocksucker who must die a thousand deaths -- I favor hanging him up on the wall with his toes dipped in honey barely an inch off the ground so the rats can nibble at them. I'm pissed at T.O. who must be hung on the wall by the balls. And Wade Phillips is a waste of space who couldn't control a kindergarten class, let alone a football team.

Think we could rouse Tom Landry from his grave and put him back in charge? A corpse could have run the team better than JJ or Wade did.

Romo? Well, it's hard to expect too much out of someone who was undrafted out of that hotbed of football, Eastern Illinois, so I'm not sure why anyone thought he could suddenly grab the controls and lead them to the Super Bowl without a few major lumps along the way.

And Landru? Tell us what you really think, eh...

J. D. T. Saul said...

Geeeeeeeee - Mennnnnnnnnnnn.