Monday, January 23, 2012

A Three-Way Dead Heat for Asshole of the Day

In chronological order (of when I saw each story):

Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky and Mars) was not allowed to board his flight at the Nashville airport this morning after he declined a patdown (known in TSA parlance as "secondary screening") to resolve a scanning anomaly. He (and his father) characterized the incident as "detention" and set about making as much noise as they could about it. The noise continued through the day, with nutters claiming he was being illegally arrested en route to Congress (he was heading to a Roe v. Wade anniversary anti-abortion rally in DC), the Pauls repeating the word "detained" to anyone who would listen, and a statement from the Senator implying that white people shouldn't be screened (that wacky, not-at-all racist Paul family!). The capper comes from Sasha, who sent this lovely demonstration of what a total fucking wackjob Senator Paul is: he thinks that TSA has rigged the machines to trigger random false positives to give TSA an excuse to pat people down. Holy fuck, this man is a United States Senator?  Fuck you, Rand Paul.

Next up is Boston Bruins' goalie Tim Thomas. Full disclosure: I make no bones about seriously despising the Bruins. That river runs real deep. However, Thomas declined to join his Stanley Cup champion team in a visit to the White House today, because he hates Obama. Puck Daddy Greg Wyshynski gets it as wrong as it can be gotten, claiming that Thomas shouldn't be demonized because this is a free speech issue. Holy fucking crap, Wyshynski. No one's passing a law restraining Thomas' freedom of speech. They're correctly noting that he's an unAmerican asshole, a shitty team player, and a graceless twat. Of course he's entitled to be all of those things, each of which has the consequence of making him look like a fucking jerk. Wyshynski is an idiot (and a unabashed Devils fanboy); Thomas is, in essence, a fucking traitor--by his own side's standards. Fuck you, Tim Thomas.

Finally, the NHL's uberreichsfuhrer of discipline, Brendan Shanahan. In the Capitals' overtime loss to the Penguins yesterday, Alex Ovechkin crushed the shit out of Pens defenseman Zbynek Michalek, leaving the ice by a few inches to do so. No penalty call (it probably should've been called as boarding, and it's stunning that it wasn't, given that midget bitch referee Kelly Sutherland demonstrably despises the Capitals). About 5 minutes later, Michalek crushed the shit out of Matt Hendricks, not quite leaving the ice to do so, but elbowing Hendricks in the head. Two minutes, elbowing. After the game, Michalek admitted that the penalty call was correct and that his state of mind was such that the infraction was related to the uncalled offense of a few minutes earlier. Ovechkin and Michalek had disciplinary hearings today, with Shanahan the deciderer. Guess who got a three-game suspension and who got no supplementary discipline? Fucking Shanahan even admitted that Ovechkin got slammed because he's a repeat offender--even though, under the NHL's rules for administering supplementary discipline, Ovechkin had accumulated enough good behavior time to be outside of the window for increased supplementary discipline. Fuck you, Brendan Shanahan.


fish said...

Tim Thomas could fuck Thomas Jefferson's corpse while lighting the original copy of the Constitution on fire and I would still worship him as a GOD!

Landru said...

I am pleased to announce the Global War on fish (GWOf).

Seriously, dood? Bruins fan? They allow that shit down there in your 'hood?

Anybody can fuck Jefferson's corpse, as far as I'm concerned. I'm a Hamiltonian librul. Christ, I love making peoples' heads explode with that.

Colin's Daddy said...

I believe that using all caps for the word 'god' renders your point moot. However if you had said that he first rolled the original copy of the Constitution up as a spliff and then lit it up while fucking TJs corpse, I may have let you slide...doubtful, but at least a possibility.

Also, the American Beef Council is going to be happy that you made another person give up fish and switch back to a big flippin' porterhouse.

Landru said...

fish gets some slack for good deeds, bro. And for being about as old as the Original 6. The GWOf will be fought with Nerf and goo, not lead and napalm. This isn't like that time on Aliceanna Street when you saved me from a giant Japanese monster.

Colin's Daddy said...

I am worried about the goo part in the GWOf.

Sasha said...

First point. Landru continues to gradually drag me to the Hamiltonian position. Sad, that.

Now about your post. Rand Paul is simply batshit nutso and none too bright. With that daddy and the name of Ayn, what chance would you have? My proof? He didn't have the good sense to stfu about the TSA being out to get us.

Brendan Shanahan (to distinguish him from those other loathed Shanahans) is dumber than dirt. My evidence? In his announcement he told us -- TOLD US -- that what he was doing was against league rules. Then he went on to announce it as if it were the most normal thing in the world. He lacks a logic gene. He also seems to lack a "can grab his ass with both hands" gene.

We shall now conclude that Tim Thomas is actually the worst of the three. Because he is clearly a batshit crazy, stupid, egomaniac. He not only did that dumb crap (for which I still argue he deserves a fine for missing a team meeting) but the ass made a STATEMENT. Because we are all just hanging on the pearls dropping from TT's mouth. (It's here. I won't reproduce it.

Oh, yeah. His Statement was so crucial to the future of the free world that he posted it on his Facebook page.

Case closed.

Except that the Bruins turn out to suck way more than I thought they did.

fish said...

And for being about as old as the Original 6.

Bobby Orr was my first mancrush.

ilse said...

Tim Thomas has every right as an American to choose not to visit the White House. However, this was not a personal or political invitation -- it was a congratulatory photo op with his entire team. That he chose to make a stand at this time and in this way makes him look like a selfish child. So...he has the freedom to do what he wishes, and apparently he wishes to look like an asshole.

(verification word: flundamm, which may be my new favorite swear word)

Randal Graves said...

Who would actually want to go to the White House? I bet they don't even pass out official WH decks of playing cards.

cq said...

Yes, fuck all 3 of them. Good post! :)